Explaining To Republicans Like Five Year Olds Why Democrats Are Filibustering Neil Gorsuch

Republicans are losing their collective minds over the fact that Democrats in the Senate will block Judge Neil Gorsuch's confirmation to the Supreme Court.

All over right-wing America, conservatives are becoming quite apoplectic about Senate Democrats filibustering President Donald Trump’s first Supreme Court Justice nominee. It’s in comment threads all over social media. They are just outraged that the Democrats would block Gorsuch, and I think it’s because they need it explained to them like five year olds.

Why? Because they fucking elected a five year old, that’s why.

Here, Republicans, let me hold your special little snowflake hands and walk you through this, okay?

The Democrats are blocking Neil Gorsuch out of loyalty to the Constitution. You see, there’s this thing in it that says sitting presidents get to nominate Supreme Court justices. So last year, Justice Antonin Scalia did the entire known and unknown universes a fucking favor and died, meaning that the guy who was in office at the time got to nominate someone to replace Scalia, and he did.

That judge’s name was Merrick Garland, and when he was appointed to the lower circuit bench, he was confirmed in the Senate on a vote of 76-23, meaning most Republicans could not find fault with him enough to vote against his ascension to a federal court bench. I know you all have a similar reason for wanting Gorsuch confirmed, given how easily his lower circuit confirmation went, and I hate to he bearer of bad news, but, politics doesn’t work like that, and you all should have thought about all of this before you stole the scary black guy’s Supreme Court pick.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, and the last time I played one was in a fourth grade mock trial, but I’m fairly certain that nowhere in the Constitution does it say that you forfeit your right to pick a Supreme Court seat if you’re a black Democrat. Of course, that’s not the reason that you all gave us for not even giving Judge Garland a single hearing. You all said it was because we were in the middle of an election year, and we just had to let the American people have a say in who their next high court bench resident would be.

Of course, a bunch of you assholes still insisted you’d never confirm a single Hillary Clinton appointee to the Supreme Court, so that was a line of unmitigated bullshit too, but whatever, let’s traipse on.

Cruz: GOP may block Supreme Court nominees indefinitely

In a vintage return to his confrontational style, Sen. Ted Cruz indicated that Republicans could seek to block a Democratic president from filling the vacant Supreme Court seat indefinitely. After staking his endorsement of Donald Trump on a list of potential conservative Supreme Court nominees, Cruz said on Wednesday that there is precedent to limiting the Supreme Court to just eight justices.




The Democrats’ filibuster of Gorsuch isn’t just about revenge though. It’s about not rewarding immature, highly irregular behavior. It’s like not giving the toddler who just threw a toy at your head a cookie. It’s about sitting that toddler down and saying, “Fuck you, toddler bitch, that’s now how we do shit.” Now, maybe I speak to toddlers a little differently than you do, you might use the “cunt” word for example, but you get the point.

Republicans–  you made up a rule out of whole cloth, this so-called “Biden Rule,” to justify your unconstitutional theft of a Supreme Court seat. And now, let’s examine the actual facts and not the alternative facts, shall we?

For starters, when Senator Joseph Biden made the now famous speech on the floor of the Senate that Mitch McConnell used to block Garland’s nomination, there was no Supreme Court vacancy. Biden was not arguing in favor of blocking any nominee, and in fact the Biden Rule was never even an official parliamentary rule adopted by the Senate. There wasn’t a Republican nominee denied a hearing; that was only done to Obama’s nominee.

It shouldn’t surprise us, though,  that you Republicans took Obama’s pick away; white people always steal shit from black people. Right, jazz and rock and roll?

But plain and simple — that’s why the filibuster has to happen, because you don’t make a tantrum throwing little child feel good about their tantrum by rewarding it. In fact, even if we take the Garland shit off the table, there’s an even bigger reason to delay Gorsuch — Russia.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist, and I’m not saying anything beyond the obvious: The Trump team cannot stop lying about Russia.

How many of Obama’s staff and appointees had to quit in shame over the course of his entire eight year tenure, much less less than three months in? If you deny something stinks about the Russia/Trump ties, you’re a partisan hack douchebag, or you’re trying to be the super-smart guy in the room playing like he’s above it all. Stop it. Maybe nothing’s to this story other than Trump Team’s incompetence and hubris, but the American people deserve an answer.

I’m not saying this Russia flap will lead to Trump’s removal from office, but he has said he wants to be a president of historical note. Being the first president successfully impeached and removed from office would certainly qualify for that descriptor. Students of history will see a lot of parallels between Russiagate and Watergate. Break-ins at Democratic headquarters, Republican executive branch lies and cover-ups…so it’s still entirely possible Trump will be out on his ass by December; that’s a whole night months away.

If we can’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice in an election year, we sure as fuck shouldn’t do it in a possible impeachment year.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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