HILL SPRING, FLORIDA — Billionaire mogul and current Republican front runner Donald J. Trump took his campaign back into Florida, and explained to a crowd attending a rally what his “number one offensive” against Daesh would be.
“Some have criticized my understanding of how the Internet works,” Trump told his supporters, “and you know maybe they’re right. I’m an extremely rich, older gentleman. So the whole computer thing is a little bleep bleep bloop to me, if you know what I mean, but I have been talking with the toppest, yoogist Internet nerds on the block, like the biggest nerds I could find, and they said that we can have an immediate impact on ISIS by doing something really simple — changing their Wi-Fi password.”
According to Trump, one of his top technology advisers told him that “when his son acts up, he changes the password on his home’s Wi-Fi network.” Trump said that was “quite a brilliant idea” and he assigned his tech team the task of figuring out how connect to every single wireless router and access point the Islamic terrorist group uses and change their password, thereby “shutting down their pipeline to the world,” according to Trump.
“We could make it something like ‘TrumpRules69’ or ‘Islamcansuckme69’ or pretty much any password that ends in 69,” Trump said, before finishing, “all my passwords end in 69.” While he admitted that he wasn’t “at all sure how the Internet gets to [his] home,” he was sure that he had “put together the bestest, most yoogist team of experts on tech” and that they’d “crack the code on cracking into” Daesh’s network.
During the Rally, Trump also told his supporters that changing the Wi-Fi password wasn’t his only “super smartguy genius idea” to fight Daesh on a technological battlefront. “We’ve also looked into finding the power strip they have their router plugged into and turning it off,” he said. Some other ideas he told the crowd about were buying the ISP that Daesh uses and jacking up their bundle deal so much they have to drop the cable from it, making it too expensive to keep the service, and “creating a Muslim-free zone” on the web, though he admitted he wasn’t “sure at all” how to make that work.
“Look, here’s what I know,” Mr. Trump said at one point during the speech, “scaring the living crap out of you guys by scare mongering over Islamic terrorism is key. Making you all truly frightened at the prospect of a terrorist sleeper cell being headquartered in your next door neighbor’s house is vital, and so regardless of if any of my solutions are practical, or even possible, I’m going to keep ginning up your Islamaphobia, because whether I’m here to help destroy the GOP by linking them forever to the horrible crap I saw about Muslims, or I’m trying to actually win this shit show and become president — it doesn’t matter.”
“All that matters,” Trump said, “is that you be deathly afraid of Muslims, and that words come out of my mouth that sound like a solution — whether that solution has a chance of working or not, which it will, because anything I do works, and works perfectly because I’m Donald Fuckin’ Trump!”
Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.