If you think Donald J. Trump is a loudmouthed asshole who does nothing but spew the most toxic, insane shit that’s mostly lies — you’d be right. But if you thought the walking, talking shart in an unconvincing hair piece was unrepentant about how much bullshit he flung into the ether, apparently you’d be wrong. Because Trump just gave a big speech, the crux of which was him saying how much he regrets “sometimes saying the wrong thing.”
That speech got me wondering what else Trump might regret, and here’s what I came up with.
6 Other Things Donald Trump Regrets
#6. Wondering What His Daughter Looks Like Naked Instead Of Just Knowing
You plebs might not understand this, but every rich, powerful, and successful father knows one thing about their daughters — how big their boobs are and the quality of her dumper. Okay, so two things, if you want to be a pretentious libtard and know math and shit. Unfortunately for The Donald, he’s been too busy running companies in the ground to keep tabs on super-hot daughter’s rockin’ bod. He regrets that. Sad.
5. Not Breaking The Ice Before His Convention Speech With A Racist Joke
We all know that a joke is a great ice breaker, as long as the joke is funny. We also all know that there is literally nothing funnier than a racist joke. Just libtertarians who run Facebook pages like “Unbiased” America and Being Classically Liberal. Racism is so dead now, that jokes aren’t really racist, even if they are racist. The only problem is that Donald didn’t go with his instincts, and he winded up passing on opening his acceptance speech at the 2016 Republican National Convention with a racist joke. Huge mistake. Big regret.
4. He Once Thought He Spent All Day Binge-Watching The Apprentice; Was Actually Just Watching A Dog With Diarrhea
One of Donald’s favorite things is himself. One of his favorite things about himself is that he’s on TV a lot. Donald loves to binge-watch old episodes of “The Apprentice” to fast forward to the end where he’d tell the exiting contested, “Your employment is terminated forthwith,” as his now famous tagline goes. But one time, while Donald thought he was watching thirteen straight hours of what looked like episodes of “The Apprentice,” he was actually just watching a neighbor’s dog have diarrhea. Common mistake. Could happen to happen to anyone.
3. He Didn’t Take Nearly Enough Pictures Of Himself Masturbating In His 30’s To Masturbate To Now
Watching old episodes of your formulaic, shitty realityTV show is one thing, but the real Alpha Male Sociopaths know if you want to be the biggest egomaniac in the world, you need to spank it to videos of yourself spanking it. If watching yourself tug and jerk at your inadequate and tiny, minuscule, worthless penis doesn’t make you want to wrist out a salty, then you don’t belong in America, frankly. But sadly, Trump is one of those who didn’t take enough pictures of himself jerking it in his 30’s to be used today. Oh sure, he took plenty of pictures of himself jerking it back then, but he’s just not happy with the composition of them, even though his hands look really huge in them, so that’s a plus.
2. His Publishing Company Had To File Chapter 11 Before He Could Get His Book On Filing For Bankruptcy Onto Shelves
Grr! So frustrating! Donald had this really great book to help people navigate bankruptcy the right way. It was a great book. Written by the greatest writer, him. He only writes the best books, and this book? Was amazing. But the weirdest, totally unprecedented thing happened to him — the publishing company he started to put the book out went into Chapter 11. The good news is that every genius businessman knows that filing for Chapter 11 is a surefire way to know your company is doing everything right. Bummer about the book not getting out, but the publishing company is another Trump Business Success Story™, so all’s well that something-something.
1.Hiring That Racist Orangutan To Be His Double For When He Didn’t Want To Campaign
In retrospect, no matter how much he looked like Trump, the angry racist Orangutan that was hired to be Donald’s stand-in should’ve been a “pass.” At first, it seemed like a real match made in heaven, when the orangutan retweeted some racist-as-fuck crime stats that had already been debunked. But eventually, people started getting upset or angry about the racist, xenophobic, and mean-spirited stuff the orangutan was saying, so Trump knew he had to just suck it up and campaign the whole time, even if he was tired and his tootsies needed a rest. The good news of course is that Donald doesn’t have to fight with the orangutan over who gets to sleep closest to the most important woman in his life anymore. He’s got Ivanka all to himself.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.