Donald Trump seems to be having trouble finding anyone to perform at his inauguration. His team claimed Elton John would be there, at which point Elton John issued a stern Oh Hell No I’m Not. Vince Neil has been uninvited. The Rolling Stones won’t go. So who does this leave?
Well, Beyoncé is definitely out, since Trump is meeting with Sheriff David Clarke, who doesn’t understand who the original Black Panthers were, and compared Beyoncé’s halftime performance to a Klan rally. Also out would be U2, Sting, Katy Perry, Madonna, Aretha Franklin, Jay-Z, and pretty much any singer or musician who’s still popular. Which leaves C-list celebrities and performers whose current claims to fame are either right-wing rants on social media, appearances at small county fairs, or You Tube videos.
In case Kellyanne is just too busy trying to explain why the president-elect is ignoring all his intelligence briefings, yours truly came up with a list of possible options for Donald Trump’s inauguration. Here we go!
Ted Nugent. This one is pretty much a no-brainer. Nugent is a right-wing, paranoid, mentally unstable, violent man, who had a hit in the 1970’s. He also has a song called “Jailbait,” and given Trump’s alleged sexual assault of a 13-year-old girl, they seem like a match made in sex offender hell. Lyrics to “Jailbait” include:
Well I don’t care if you’re just thirteen
You look too good to be true
I just know that you’re probably clean
There’s one lil’ thing I got do to you
Scott Baio. If you’re like me, you had no idea Scott Baio used to sing. You might know him as the guy who showed up to the Republican convention, and thousands of people said “Who the hell is that?” But before Scott became a raging conservative, he was a teen heart throb who sang! You can watch him sing here on the Merv Griffin show.
Kanye West. Much to the surprise of all his fans, Kanye went on a bit of a rant during a recent concert, and said he didn’t vote, but if he had, he would have voted for Trump. However, Kanye is currently under observation for “exhaustion,” so he might not be available by January 20.
Tila Tequila. All I know about this woman is she’s a neo-Nazi sympathizer who had her own reality show. But she sings, too! Imagine Ms. Tequila dressed up in an SS outfit, waving a Ruger around, belting out one of her songs to a packed ballroom while Donald and Melania spin around the floor. Chills.
Numerous “white power” bands. With names like End Apathy, Definite Hate, Final Solution, and Angry Aryans, Donald Trump could choose more than one white power band to perform at one of the inaugural balls. He’d have to go through the Hammerskins, who have a monopoly on the white power music scene, but surely they would jump at the chance to have their music broadcast all over the world! Beats banging out hate songs in your mom’s garage.
Chuck Norris. Yes, seriously. Chuck Norris sings. Sort of. He mostly just talks to music, but whatever, he’s a hardcore conservative. So hardcore, in 2012 he made a video where he said reelecting President Obama would bring about “1,000 years of darkness.”
And as the emcee, Stephen Crowder, everyone’s favorite shitty right-wing “comedian.” The Daily Stormer is calling Crowder the new leader of the “alt-right” movement (which we’re calling neo-Nazism), so that’s a plus!
Hopefully, the Trump camp will appreciate my hard work, and select at least one of my choices as entertainment for the inauguration. Gosh, just imagine it: Couples dressed in sparkly gowns and tuxedos, sipping expensive champagne, while Ted Nugent screams out “Cat Scratch Fever.” ‘Merikuh!