NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In 1947, the Department of War was abolished in this country, and its place a Department of State was put in place, meaning there hasn’t been a Secretary of War in this country for almost seventy years, but if Republican front-runner Donald J. Trump wins the General Election in the fall, he is now saying he might bring the cabinet position back, but with a couple minor tweaks.
“First of all,” Trump told reporters at a Saturday morning press conference, “I am just thrilled beyond belief that such a yooge voice in American politics has endorsed me, and I have always been, as a winner, someone who will take care of his buddies. So I’m going to offer David Duke a special position in my cabinet. Secretary of Race War.”
Duke, the controversial former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan and Louisiana Congressman, endorsed Trump this week saying that any white person who didn’t vote for the billionaire reality-TV star was committing ‘treason to your heritage.” Many in the political punditry class recoiled at the endorsement, but Trump said that was “exactaliciously why” he knew he should bring Duke in.
“I’m a fuckin’ outsider, you see,” Trump told reporters, “so that’s my appeal. I do thinks in such a yooge, who-gives-a-shit way that doing the wrong thing is the right thing for me. And if you think my voters will abandon me, you’re a friggin’ loser too.”
When reporters asked if bringing in Duke to his administration and creating a Secretary of Race War position meant that Trump was planning on ratcheting up anti-minority policies once elected. Trump laughed.
“I have no idea what I’m going to do,” Trump said, “I’m an outsider, I’m winging it. I just looked at what David’s particular skill set is, and figured, hey, if there’s gonna be some yooge race war why not have one of the guys who’s been trying to start a race war for decades in charge of it. See what I mean? That’s why I’m a total winner, and Marco and Teddy are pant-pissing loser-ass-losers who probably wouldn’t even consider doinking one of their offspring, like again, total losers.”
Mr. Duke was reached for comment at the local dry cleaner, where he was picking up his “favorite white sheets.” He told us he’d be “extremely honored” to bring his “own unique brand of good ol’ fashioned American Racism” to the White House again.
“Someone once told me,” Duke told us, “that it seems really to consider your skin color as something that makes you better than anyone since we have no control over it. But what do I know? I’m just a dumbfuck relic of the past. So whatever!”
Despite what many in the establishment have said for months, Donald J. Trump is still leading in most nationally recognized polls and is now currently on a trajectory that at the very least should set up a hotly contested, brokered convention for the Republican Party this Summer.