LAKE MALO CHINGANDO, FLORIDA — Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump made international headlines when he seemed to implore Russian hackers to break into his Democratic rival’s email servers. According to sources close to the alleged billionaire, the blowback from his press conference was so large that he “needed to take some time to himself” the rest of the day. At a late afternoon press conference, Donald himself told the press what he’d been doing since he left the morning’s press conference.
“I came back here to my hotel room,” Trump said, “and I put my feet up, found a re-run of one of Ivanka’s favorite cartoons from her childhood, before she turned into the gorgeous, sexy beast she is today, and I watched it.” When asked which cartoon it was, Trump said it was an old Nickelodeon cartoon called “Hey Arnold!”
Mr. Trump said he was feeling “a little run down” so he also ordered his favorite breakfast item from room service to comfort him.
“I just friggin love Eggs Benedict,” Trump said, “and so after I finished the first plate, I figured, fuck it, I’m about to become the most powerful, heavily Russian-influenced man in the world, if I want to eat another plate of friggin’ Eggs Friggin-G-D-Benedict, that’s what I’m going to do!”
So Trump says he ordered the second plate. But when he’d finished it, he was still hungry and the “Hey Arnold!” marathon was still going, so he ordered yet another plate of Eggs Benedict.
“It just kinda felt like an Arnold/Benedict kinda day, you know what I mean,” Trump asked rhetorically.
During a commercial break, Trump decided to pass the time with some day trading, since the markets were still open at the time. He told reporters that “being a very excellent trader” was something the American people would come to “love and respect” about him. He said he’s “the best trader to ever trade.”
“People have said to me before,” Trump said, “I’m such a trader this, I’m such a trader that. In fact, right after this morning’s press conference, you know the one where I asked a foreign power to commit cyber terrorism against my political opponent? Anyway, right after that press conference, someone told me I was ‘the biggest damn trader’ on the planet. I can’t disagree with that person. I really am quite a big trader.”
Trump finished the day having eaten fifteen plates of Eggs Benedict.
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