This obviously satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Conservative firebrand Ann Coulter took to Twitter in an absolute rage over the weekend after an incident on a Delta Airlines flight she was on. Coulter began tweeting berating, angry messages at Delta’s official Twitter account after she was asked to relocate to a different seat to accommodate another passenger. Coulter’s anger arose from the fact that she says she spent extra money on a bigger seat than the standard coach class ticket provides. At one point, Ms. Coulter even tweeted a photo she’d taken of the woman who was given her seat.
Over the next couple of days, Coulter fired off tweet after tweet that insulted Delta, its employees, and the other passenger who got Ann’s seat. Delta has since said that the seat they offered Coulter was in the same row and would have had the same amount of room, but she declined. Delta also said in a pair of tweets that have since gone viral that they would refund Coulter the $30 extra she paid for the seat and it admonished her for her insulting and hostile tone toward Delta and its passengers. This morning Delta announced that they want to try “one more olive branch” with Coulter.
“If we had known that you’d blow up our mentions and electronically harass and stalk another passenger over a matter of thirty dollars,” a letter to Coulter from the Delta executive board reads, “We wouldn’t have taken your money for the larger seat, and instead would have suggested you fly in a crate in the belly of the plane with the rest of the non-human passengers. But we want to try one more olive branch in an attempt to soothe your clearly delicate sensibilities.”
Delta will offer Coulter a free, irrevocable seat on the wing of any plane in their fleet.
“You’ll have all the room you need to stretch those extra long legs of yours,” Delta’s letter states, “and maybe you won’t get cramps before the Kentucky Derby or Preakness next time around! Sounds like a win-win situation for you, and our other passengers who book flights with us expecting to not have to deal with a braying mule for the duration of the flight.”
In their letter, Delta’s board also suggested that Coulter might think about bumping up the level of ticket she’s willing to pay for as a way to prevent this sort of incident from happening in the future.
“We’d have thought that a big, bestselling author like you would have no problem springing for a First Class ticket,” the letter states, “but then again, if you’re this concerned over an extra thirty bucks, even when you’re offered a seat in the same row with the same amount of room, then maybe you’re not all that successful an author after all? It’s either that or you’re a cheap skate and an entitled succubus. We honestly can’t tell which is true, Ann.”
The letter closes with a reminder that their offer of the permanent wing seat is open-ended.
“Just know that any time you fly with us from now on, Ann,” Delta’s board wrote, “you’ll be sitting on that wing. Hope you’ve invested in some kind of high-pressure breathing apparatus. Oh, wait, why are we having this discussion? Don’t demons come with wings now too?”
Ms. Coulter had not responded to Delta’s offer at the time of publication.
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