Defense Contractor Explains Why Americans Can’t Afford Single Payer Healthcare

A man on the taxpayer's dole tells Americans why they can't have Single Payer Healthcare.

EL EXPLOSIVO, TEXAS — Richard Ryan is a self-described “right-wing libertarian” and he’s also a defense contractor who has worked in the defense industry his entire adult life. Ryan is a registered Republican and he recently reached out to the media to, in his words, “explain to the hippies, libtards, and socialists” why the United States of America cannot afford to institute some kind of single payer, universal health care plan.

“Put simply,” Ryan told us in a phone interview, “because then my company might not make as much money. Because if we’re going to pay for universal health care, it would make sense to cut the budget in places where maybe we’re spending more than we need to.”

Mr. Ryan said the military budget is “probably the biggest hole we throw money down, thank God.” He said that “if people truly decided to save their government some money, they’d stop letting it spend over a trillion dollars on a jet that won’t fly.”

“The F-35 so far has cost us over $1.5 trillion and is even $200 billion over budget,” Ryan said, “but do you know how much universal health care would cost us? It would cost us money. And that money is money that could otherwise go to me and my friends, you see.”


Estimates from experts and think tanks put the cost of implementing a Medicare-for-all type system range widely, but most estimate it would cost as much or a little more than the Pentagon’s 2015 budget of roughly $560 billion dollars. While people like Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders have proposed raising taxes on the wealthy and modestly on the working class to help pay for it, Mr. Ryan says that is “just a lot of liberal hogwash.”

“Sure, you could slice a few hundred billion out of the defense budget,” Ryan said, “but I wanted to go to Tahiti this year. Are you telling me some poor jerk’s health is more important than my Tahiti trip?” Ryan said he “doesn’t even care” that the poor people who’d benefit are the ones that would be servicing his every need to and from Tahiti because he’s “rich and doesn’t have to care, this is America, duh.”

Ryan says that even though several other countries have manged to strike a balance between industry, commerce, and the needs of the people, those countries “are doing it all wrong” because they “don’t have a huge dick of a military to wave around.”

“Of course those other countries don’t have to spend as much on defense, because we do it for them,” Ryan said, “and in this country, the only way to get free health care is to be a soldier or a politician. Why would we provide health care to people instead of building more and more tanks, planes, and carriers that we’ll never use? Why should we stop funneling money hand over asshole into the military-industrial-complex just because we clearly are way over spending when we put more money into bombs and war machines than the next ten countries combined?”

Mr. Ryan summed his points in what he says was “the  most concise way possible.”

“Sure, we could find a way to cut money out of places we no longer need to spend it, and combine that with smart, targeted tax hikes to pay for this thing that every other industrialized nation has,” Ryan said, “but I don’t want to, and neither do all the rest of us. So…neener-neener, I guess.”

Then, after a beat.

“Yup, neener- neener.”

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