Dear Tomi Lahren: You Are Fucking Awful And We Already Have ONE Ann Coulter

Tomi Lahren's gums flap, and brain cells across the country die in vain.

Dear Tomi Lahren:

You are fucking awful, and we already have one Ann Coulter. So, I need you cease and desist any and all “Sexy Fascist Aryan Princess” characters you are playing and were planning on playing in the future. Instead get a fucking clue, which can be best achieved by you turning off the power in the studio you record your show in, walking outside, and never returning to the field of professional commentary ever again.

In the past you’ve ranted about having to “Press 2” in America — because you loathe multiculturalism with the glee of a vapid sandwich bag. You are truly the Sarah Palin of Michele Bachmanns trying to be Ann Coulter. It’s a tired shtick, and like it, you should be retired from the business of show, at least until you’ve allowed your Grinchy heart to grow a few sizes.

…too early for a Christmas joke?

To be honest though, I’d never really heard of you  until you started flapping your maw — at speeds that could win the Kessel Run in a ship way less awesome than the Millennium Falcon — about Colin Kaepernick. He’s been exercising his First Amendment Rights all over your fake love of the Constitution, and that seems to have given you a massive sad.

Then you ignored my tweet to you and it went so viral it tied your tweet’s retweets and likes, but who cares about that shit? I mean you had to have seen it, and it would only imply you’re totally full of shit and whatnot, but anyway…then you pissed me off with your slapstick level intellectual diarrhea explosion all over #VeteransForKaepernick.

Your recent “takedown” of Megan Rapinoe — star soccer player and out lesbian — for kneeling in solidarity with Kaepernick during the National Anthem before her matches? It shows just how flimsy any claims to logic being present in your arguments you might make. But even if you convinced me you do employ some semblance of logic, your segments are proving that you’re just completely awful.




At least Ann Coulter has learned to make her “Am I Really An American Nazi Or Do I Just Play One On TV?” character believable. You just seem like a kid trying to ape your favorite closed-minded, blonde racist asshole. And it’s weak-sauce.

Your “Final Thoughts” on Rapinoe were just plain stupid and ultimately apologism for cultural tyranny over a minority group. That’s because you, like so many conservative commentators, downplay how bad it is for people while having no fucking clue what it’s like to be the people you are criticizing. Even though you have lived all your 24 years as a heterosexual, Christian female, you think you can lecture anybody and everybody as to what their experience living in this country has been.

Here, let me remind you (and anyone reading), what you said to Rapinoe:

You are just the latest in a string of misanthropic characters to advocate treating subgroups in this country like garbage under the guise of patriotism. Act white, act proud of our country, or you have to get out because you’re not a real American. That’s your message.

The irony is that your faux-patriotism is completely antithetical to what America is. Just because you stand up on an apple box and wave your little flag the hardest, that doesn’t make you right. That doesn’t make you any less a bigoted asshole. It’s just that now you’re a jingoistic, saber rattling bigoted fucking asshole.

And before you spew your “you swear therefore you’re dumb” happy horse shit, read this link below and save your hyperventilated breath. Focus on locking down that deal with Mattel to use your likeness for Nazi Barbie.

Why it’s a good sign if you curse a lot

A bigger vocabulary is a bigger vocabulary – no matter whether you are quoting Shakespeare or cursing like a sailor. This is the takeaway from a study recently published in the journal Language Sciences, which finds that fluency in “taboo words” is correlated with having a larger vocabulary in general.

Your argument to Rapinoe, and to Kaepernick by proxy, is that they just don’t have it bad enough to complain. You seem to think that because horrible people in other countries do horrible things to LGBTQ people or black people that makes the indignities minorities suffer here “okay.” Or at least okay enough for them to just stand at attention and take part in the cultural blowjob we give our armed forces during the national anthem.

That is a stupid fucking argument.

I’d believe you had your heart in the right place if you weren’t also constantly trying to help subjugate LGBTQ people. I always thought Americans were supposed to have lofty ideals that all are created equally, and that tyranny can come in many forms, such as in Bible thumping assholes preying on simple-minded people’s love of “tradition.”

Pointing to terrible people doing horrible things in other countries isn’t an excuse for your shitty behavior in this country, Tomi.

It’s kinda cute when you wrap yourself in the flag and the Constitution when you want to shout about the scourge of  one thing that offends you or another. You perch yourself on the First Amendment and crow at a million miles a millisecond. If someone protests something you love, though, you want them to shut up and “show respect.”

Nah. Fuck your respect.

I mean, #FirstAmendment, right Tomi?

You clearly don’t respect anyone other than yourself and your beliefs.  You don’t get to go around demanding other people respect yours. Veterans dying in wars have nothing to do with our freedom, not in this century anyway.

There hasn’t been a just war fought in our name for nearly 80 years. Too much blood and treasure has been uselessly spilled (the cost for both largely coming from my generation). You’ll excuse me if I take your faux-patriotism and stuff it into the toilet where it belongs. What you traffic in is unabashed, blind nationalism. And yet you do it not in an evil way, but in a cartoonishly, unconvincing way.

Pride in nothing but the stupid, imaginary borders around our continent, and in a 240 year old legal document, and not instead in the actual living, breathing people, who make up this country, and that same document you claim to love so much, work.

Do yourself a favor and go watch Ann Coulter getting her ass handed to her at the Rob Lowe Roast. That’s your future. You may play well to the cheap seats. You may be able to railroad your bullshit into some people’s minds and pass it off like intelligent, cohesive commentary. But you’re really just an awful person with terrible, horribly unoriginal ideas.

 

I mean, you can keep spouting your dog whistle racism and sophomoric nationalistic bullshit, because after all it is your right. But to borrow a phrase I’ve heard somewhere recently…

…just because you can do it, that doesn’t make it right.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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