Dear Republicans: Time to Get Your Foamy-Mouth Dog Back on Its Damn Leash

An open letter to Republicans about their rabid front runner, Donald J. Trump.

Dear Republicans,

Now that Donald J. Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, has turned himself into police and been charged in Florida with a misdemeanor battery charge stemming from an altercation at a campaign rally involving former Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields, it’s time to get your vicious dog back on his goddamned leash. And wipe his disgusting, foamy mouth while you’re at it too. This farcical campaign of his has gone on long enough, and it’s time for him to shut his bewigged, blovating blowhole permanently, so he can slink off to the next launch of a shitty product with his name on it, and only you, the Republicans in this country, can help.

You made him. You spent eight years coddling people like him. People who genuinely believed beyond all evidence and reality to the contrary that President Obama is secretly of Kenyan birth. People who believed every burp, sneeze, or fart coming from the Oval Office was a George Soros-baked plot to end the United States as we know it. You all have become the party of angry, bitter white people and now that your front runner’s campaign manager has been charged with battery on a female member of the press, you can’t hide from or deny facts — your party is lost, rudderless, and being bullied into an embarrassing trip to history’s dustbin by the most disgusting people in our country.

There are surely Trump supporters who aren’t racists or Islamaphobes. I’m positive there are some Trump fans who just want him to blow up the Republican Party so that the establishment can be reminded that they aren’t the ones truly in charge, and are nothing without the voters. Well, you picked a shitty person to carry that mantle for you. As much as it pains me to admit as a Bernie Sanders supporter, there are ties of populism that bind him to Trump, but that’s where the similarities end. When protesters stormed a Sanders stage, he moved over, folded his arms and let them speak. There haven’t been multiple violent incidents reported at Sanders rallies, so it’s not angry populism that turns people violent; it’s violent sociopath assholes that do that.


This craziness has to stop. Don’t get me wrong — Ted Cruz is the human equivalent of what would happen if AIDS and cancer had a baby, but he’s not inciting racial violence. He’s just more a fan of the traditional forms of Republican racism known as “demagoguery of the poor.” In a contest between Trump and Cruz I would root for a freak lightning strike. But I’d much rather face Cruz’s disgustingness in the General than Trump. It’s not that I think either of them has that great a shot at beating whomever the Democrats choose, but I also can’t be the only one in the country that would mortally embarrassed for all of us should the guy who may or may not be a fascist in the offing securing the GOP’s nomination.

It’s not even that I think Trump is even that much a threat to our country’s existence. We have checks and balances for a reason. I would hope that at least the Democrats, and a rather large contingent of Republicans too, would obstruct every single, solitary stupid thing he does. I would be willing to bet serious money that if Trump wins, he’ll be the first president successfully impeached and thrown out of office. He’s just that arrogant and stupid about how the process works to make that a near forgone conclusion.

What makes me so desperate to be rid of him is his supporters and the people he’s surrounded by. Like typical, small handed cowards, Trump doesn’t do the dirty work himself. He has asshole goons and supporters carry out the violence. It’s the thought of what emboldened Trumpeters would be like that “scares” me. I’d rather not have to justify a drone strike on a compound in Tennessee because some group of backyard commandos didn’t like how their fuhrer was treated and decided to mount an actual insurrection, but that’s the kind of shit I can’t help but think might actually happen if Trump is elected, heaven forefend.

So please, Republican voters, take control. Take your party back. Put the rabid dog back on its leash. If you aren’t going to put it down, you have to calm it down. This shit isn’t good for you, it’s not good for liberals, and it’s sure as hell not good for the planet. Donald Trump belongs as the punchline of a really bad joke, not our Commander in Chief, and none of us should be okay with his people bullying reporters. Not in America. If you value anything about this country like you say you do, you’ll flock to Cruz or Kasich. Those guys are nuts too.

But at least they’re nuts in a more traditional, predictable Republican way.

Yours,

Jambo

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