Dear President-Elect Fuckwit,
I have an idea!
Instead of tweeting at the cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live” every Sunday morning like a tantrum-throwing billionaire tween, do something presidential and tweet your most idiotic, whack-job followers to stop buying into bullshit conspiracy theories?
You were probably too busy Googling your name and tweeting about SNL this weekend to notice that one of your supporters was arrested at a D.C. area pizza joint while brandishing a semi-automatic rifle. Why was he there? Because he bought a conspiracy theory that’s currently burning through the alt-right fringe you gave a voice to, that’s why. That conspiracy theory is laughably stupid, but so was your campaign, so here we are. Basically, dude believed, for reals now, that Hillary Clinton is helping John Podesta run an illegal child prostitution ring out of a pizza place’s basement.
See what I mean, Donny? Completely and utterly ridiculous. Like “reality-TV attention whore who was the laughing stock of society for twenty years or more and relegated to hawking shitty steaks, bottled water, and a fraudulent university being elected as President of the United States of America” ridiculous.
A guy showed up with a rifle and the intention of self-investigating the story that has been peddled by both your pal Alex Jones, and the son of your incoming national security adviser. The way I see it, it’s your job to send a message to idiots like the Pizzagate gunman to put their guns down, because Pizzagate isn’t “fake news,” it’s blatant, idiotic propaganda, and it nearly got people murdered this weekend, President-Elect Shit Show.
I get it, you were the King Birther for years. Clearly you have zero compunction about peddling bullshit as truth. But you’re going to get someone or some people killed — literally — if you don’t start telling these people that they should stop believing comically and cosmically stupid conspiracy theories. People are showing up in public places with firearms because of people who are very close to you and your inner circle, President-Elect Trumplisconi.
You owe it to everyone in the country to start putting these derpy brush fires out instead of heaping more gasoline onto them.
It’s one thing, and bad enough, to believe Barack Obama was born in Africa because his skin is black and he has an African-looking and sounding name. It’s another to take your belief in an outlandishly stupid conspiracy theory to the point that you grab your assault rifle and head to the alleged scene of the crime to “self-investigate.” Thanks to nutjobs like Alex Jones we have vigilante morons running around like Inbred Batman, investigating things the “lamestream, libtard” media won’t expose.
I can pretty much predict with great certainty that a lot of these people truly believe Hillary and Bill had Vince Foster killed, and that Bill’s a secret communist…because you know, commies are always deregulating banks in to loosen restrictions on the market and financier class, right? Your people seem to have this notion in their head that they have no burden of proof for their outlandish claims. They seem to think, hilariously, that lack of evidence is evidence itself. Of course, they think this way because people who helped you get elected — like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Jones — have taught them to think this way. Toss out logic and the need for evidence, and just lean heavily on the notion that everyone who doesn’t tell them what they want to hear is lying. It’s a dangerously stupid outlook on life, and you charged your way into the White House on the backs of people who share that outlook.
I thought you were going to be the law and order candidate, President-Elect Colostomy Complication? So wouldn’t you encourage your voters to follow the law and not play Keystone Cops? Failure to do so won’t be a hit to your already worthless reputation outside your followers. The rest of the country, you know, the roughly 70 million people who didn’t vote for you, a number higher than the number who by a few million people? They’ll hold you accountable.
Those scary, mean, comedians on NBC will probably make fun of you, too, dude, and we all know how much that gets under your thin, orange skin.
The thing I really don’t get about this conspiracy theory is why people think the press wouldn’t be salivating all over this story if there was a shred of truth to it. The media may have liberals working in it, but publishers want to make money, and nothing would sell ink, ad space, and clicks like a major party’s presidential nominee being a co-conspirator in a child sex ring run from a pizza place in the nation’s capital. Why would they cover that up for the sake of “global elitism” or whatever empty phrase right-wingers are hanging onto these days?
You didn’t ride a wave of newfound conservative ideology into the White House, President-Elect Professor Harold Hill, you conned a bunch of angry people into believing someone who just settled a $25 million fraud lawsuit has the ability to bring back manufacturing jobs that will never return. The poetic irony and icing on the shit cake of your campaign was that it was thanks to people like you exporting labor to the third world for the last thirty or more years that these people lost their jobs they blame minorities and immigrants for stealing. I question the intelligence of people who voted for you under those pretenses, and I believe that their willingness to believe that means they’ll probably believe most anything you tell them.
Therefore, President-Elect Ham Sandwich Face, please, for the love of all that is holy, call them off this pizzagate ridiculousness. Some will grow suspicious that you’ve been subverted by the evil, libtarded media, but the rest of us will just sigh a heavy sigh of relief that you’re actually capable of behaving like a rational, logical adult when you want to. Who knows, man, you might even be able to convince some people to be on your team and save yourself from being one-term moron, excuse me, president.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.