So, Donald Trump issued about a 700-word defense of his racism today. If you want to read it, you can do so here:
For those of you too disgusted by Trump to read his long-winded horse shit diatribe, I will do you a solid and translate it for smart people.
STATEMENT REGARDING TRUMP UNIVERSITY
It is unfortunate that my comments have been misconstrued as a categorical attack against people of Mexican heritage. I am friends with and employ thousands of people of Mexican and Hispanic descent. The American justice system relies on fair and impartial judges. All judges should be held to that standard. I do not feel that one’s heritage makes them incapable of being impartial, but, based on the rulings that I have received in the Trump University civil case, I feel justified in questioning whether I am receiving a fair trial.
TRANSLATION: I’m not racist because a) I say so and b) I know a few people of color and c) I am the faceless asshole behind some of their paychecks.
Over the past few weeks, I have watched as the media has reported one inaccuracy after another concerning the ongoing litigation involving Trump University. There are several important facts the public should know and that the media has failed to report.
TRANSLATION: Let me baffle you all now with some solid, pedantic word salad bullshit.
Throughout the litigation my attorneys have continually demonstrated that students who participated in Trump University were provided a substantive, valuable education based upon a curriculum developed by professors from Northwestern University, Columbia Business School, Stanford University and other respected institutions. And, the response from students was overwhelming. Over a five year period, more than 10,000 paying students filled out surveys giving the courses high marks and expressing their overwhelming satisfaction with Trump University’s programs. For example:
Former student Tarla Makaeff, the original plaintiff in the litigation, not only completed multiple surveys rating Trump University’s three-day seminar “excellent” in every category, but also praised Trump University’s mentorship program in a glowing 5 plus minute video testimonial. When asked “how could Trump University help to meet [her] goals”, she simply stated “[c]ontinue to offer great classes.” Once the plaintiffs’ lawyers realized how disastrous a witness she was, they asked to have her removed from the case. Over my lawyers’ objections, the judge granted the plaintiffs’ motion, but allowed the case to continue.
Art Cohen, a lead plaintiffs in the litigation, completed a survey in which he not only rated Trump University’s three-day seminar “excellent” in virtually every category, but went so far as to indicate that he would “attend another Trump University seminar” and even “recommend Trump University seminars to a friend.” When asked how Trump University could improve the seminar, Mr. Cohen’s only suggestion was to “[h]ave lunch sandwiches brought in” and make the lunch break 45 minutes.
Former student Bob Giullo, who has been critical of Trump University in numerous interviews and negative advertisements from my political opponents, also expressed his satisfaction, rating Trump University’s programs “excellent” in every category. When asked how Trump University could improve its programs, Mr. Giullo simply asked that students be provided “more comfortable chairs.”
Indeed, these are just a few of literally thousands of positive surveys, all of which can be viewed online at www.98percentapproval.com.
TRANSLATION: Let me give you some curated, selective responses that fit my narrative, and then let me give you a website URL I own to further avail yourself of my self-investigation. But whatever you do, don’t like, ask everyone what they thought of my “university” because then you’d get honest answers I didn’t pre-select.
For those students who decided that Trump University’s programs were not for them, the company had a generous refund policy, offering a full refund to any student who asked for their money back within 3 days of signing up for a program or by the end of the first day of any multi-day program, whichever came later.
TRANSLATION: My definition of “generous” is as accurate as my views on Mexican people.
Normally, legal issues in a civil case would be heard in a neutral environment. However, given my unique circumstances as nominee of the Republican Party and the core issues of my campaign that focus on illegal immigration, jobs and unfair trade, I have concerns as to my ability to receive a fair trial.
TRANSLATION: Boo fucking hoo I’m a phony, bewigged, mendacious piece of shit and people have called me on it! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
I am fighting hard to bring jobs back to the United States. Many companies – like Ford, General Motors, Nabisco, Carrier – are moving production to Mexico. Drugs and illegal immigrants are also pouring across our border. This is bad for all Americans, regardless of their heritage.
TRANSLATION: Let me now write a paragraph that has fuck-all to do with suckering people out of their money. Also, wellllllll, you got trouble my friend. Trouble right here, I said trouble right here in America. With a Capital M, and that rhymes with P and that stands for Mexicans Peeing in Your Coke*!
*Just because I’m racist doesn’t mean I get racist jokes right, assholes.
Due to what I believe are unfair and mistaken rulings in this case and the Judge’s reported associations with certain professional organizations, questions were raised regarding the Obama appointed Judge’s impartiality. It is a fair question. I hope it is not the case.
TRANSLATION: Ooga-booga, OBAMA! Also: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
While this lawsuit should have been dismissed, it is now scheduled for trial in November. I do not intend to comment on this matter any further. With all of the thousands of people who have given the courses such high marks and accolades, we will win this case!
TRANSLATION: I’m pissed that money actually CAN’T buy me everything. Oops.
Donald J. Trump
TRANSLATION: AIDS Incarnate