This totally fake, completely satirical, obviously humorous news article first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
Editor’s Note: The following op-ed piece was submitted to us by Clem O’Connell. Mr. O’Connell is a fairly well-known figure in the independent, right-wing media. He is the host of “Totally Biased Radio,” a podcast associated with his Facebook Page, “Biased But in the Right Way.” O’Connell wrote this op-ed in the wake of several southern states beginning to take down monuments to Confederate generals. It is the sole opinion of Mr. O’Connell, and not this website.
In all my days on his planet, as a good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing, Bible thumping, immigrant mistrusting, Muslim banning patriot, I have never seen such craziness as this new trend of removing monuments to American icons such as Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, or Jefferson Davis. And what makes it worse? I’m seeing it happening in the Confederate States! This sets off so many red alerts in my mind it’s like six Jade Helms and seven Bowling Greens all rolled into one, y’all.
And then I turn on my TV and see New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu telling me that if I don’t support removing monuments to the South’s greatest heroes, that I’m somehow not seeing the big picture about racism or something? First of all, Landrieu is a member of the damn Democrat Party, so his word on anything is to be thrown out. Secondly, the KKK was started by Democrats over a hundred years and as we know literally nothing has changed in the parties since, certainly not since Lyndon Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act. It’s definitely a case where could look at the electoral results of every presidential election since and see that the Confederate states all shifted to Republicans since, right?
But the big picture on racism in America is so simple: It doesn’t exist. Period. I mean, if racism existed, would we have had our first half-black, probably Kenyan, most definitely Communist Sharia Voodoo Muslim president? Hell no! In fact, it proves how un-racist we are that the next man we elected was an even stranger color than Obama! Sure, he’s literally the guy who was the most racist to Obama for eight years, but I submit we should ignore that. Completely.
Mayor Landrieu asked some questions in his speech, and everyone in the libtard, mainstream press thinks they were so great. But let me answer them.
“…consider these four monuments from the perspective of an African-American mother or father trying to explain to their fifth-grade daughter who Robert E. Lee is and why he stands atop of our beautiful city. Can you do it?” (source)
Well, I can answer that question Mayor Landrieu: Because we wanted to, and we’re white, and so we did it. Next?
“It immediately begs the question why there are no slave ship monuments, no prominent markers on public land to remember the lynchings … nothing to remember this long chapter of our lives of pain, of shame, all of it happening on the soil of New Orleans.” (source)
There ain’t no statues to the slave ships because the slave ships didn’t kill no Yankee aggressors, that’s why! Also because if we did that then the whole shroud of thinly veiled white supremacy will be lifted, and we don’t want that. Wait. Shit. How do I delete words off this electronic typewriter thing? Goddamn it.
Just ignore that last question until I can figure out where the letter erasing button on this keyboard is.
“Can you look into that young girl’s eyes and convince her that Robert E. Lee is there to encourage her?” (source)
No! Of course not! But it ain’t about her! It’s about us! The white guys who never fought in the Civil War, but really, really, really wish we had! Duh!
These statues and monuments are the only things we proud Southerners have from the Civil War. They’re like our own, individual trophies we put up since, you know, we lost and stuff. If we tear down these statues, these monuments to the great Confederacy, how will we Southerners ever truly remember we fought a losing war to keep black people as property? Er, I mean, you know that we fought in the Tyrant Lincoln’s totally unjust war of aggression? We need to be reminded daily that we have that rebel spirit…to own colored people like tractors and plows.
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The bottom line is that I’m no pussy. I ain’t no beta cuck male. But it is my belief, my true, deep, Christian, gun toting, red meat eating, flag waving, belief, that we must create safe spaces around our Confederate participation monuments. We must protect them! Because museums just aren’t good enough to house the proud, slavery defending history of the Confederacy and all the brave men who died defending a state’s rights to create its own human rights violations.
It’s why when you go to Germany, all you see are swastikas and monuments to Hitler. Because you don’t learn from the past by not worshiping the bad guys from it. You learn from it by pretending the bad guys weren’t really all that bad at all.
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