LONDONDERRYSHIRETOWN, ENGLAND — Last week, the British Foreign Office sent out an advisory to all LGBT+ British citizens to travel through the states of North Carolina and Mississippi with extreme caution. The warning came after both states have passed and had their governors sign into law extremely anti-LGBT laws that, under the guise of religious freedom, allow citizens in the state to discriminate against LGBT citizens. In North Carolina, the state government’s HB2 also declares by law that transgender citizens must use the bathroom designed for their birth gender.
As reported by The Washington Post, the BFO wanted to alert LGBT tourists to the issues posed by the state laws.
“The U.S. is an extremely diverse society and attitudes towards LGBT people differ hugely across the country,” the advisory says. “LGBT travelers may be affected by legislation passed recently in the states of North Carolina and Mississippi. Before traveling please read our general travel advice for the LGBT community.” (source)
On Monday, the BFO updated their general travel advice with a very specific, three-point safety plan for LGBT+ Britons traveling through not just North Carolina and Mississippi, but all throughout the Bible Belt. As a service to our international readers, we chose to reprint the three point plan in its entirety, below.
#3. Try not to come off as “uppity.” Use smaller words only found in The Holy Bible
Bible Beltmericans are generally good-natured people. They’re largely Christian, which means they truly believe in non-judgmental, brotherly love…as long as you live a lifestyle they don’t find “icky.” One way to arouse their ire, however, is if you start acting “uppity,” as they say. This means basically behaving as if you’re a human being like they are, and expecting to be treated as such, and not like a sub-human piece of excrement. Bible Beltmericans are quite famously anti-intellectual as well, so it’s best to not use large, “smartified” words, as they call them. If you can choose your words out of the New American Version of the Bible, it would provide yet even more solace and comfort, as Bible Beltmericans can “sniff out foreigners” as the local colloquialism goes.
#2. Try to blend in. Travel with a companion you can claim is your cousin that you “fuck on the regular.”
The British government does not actively participate in making gross, generalized statements about anyone. However, it has been well-documented that of all the regions in the country, the ones with the most open acceptance of cousin-on-cousin hardcore naked wrestling are in the Bible Belt. That’s because Bible Beltmericans understand and keep to one of the most sacred of their Bible verses: “If thine loins cannot be kept in your own pantaloons, then keep thine loins in your family blood line.” Before booking passage through the Bible Belt, consider inviting someone who vaguely looks like you to pretend to be your cousin. Don’t worry! You don’t actually have to fornicate with them, though it is vitally important you choose someone from the opposite sex, because while sleeping with your cousin is just “part of the deal” in the Bible Belt, sleeping with your gay cousin is still punishable by firing squad in some counties.
#1. Go somewhere else. No, literally “go” anywhere else.
If pooping and peeing in comfort is your thing, then the British Foreign Office cannot recommend any more firmly that you do any and all loo-related activities elsewhere. If you’re planning to drive through North Carolina, for instance, we strongly suggest you not eat anything with fiber in it, nor should you drink any beverages for the entire time you’re in the state. If you are planning on spending time in North Carolina, consider having a catheter installed and wearing adult diapers. Just to be on the safe side. Otherwise, for $49 USD you can purchase a lanyard to wear around your neck, indicating the North Carolina government already inspected your genitals and are you’re authorized to micturate and defecate in any public restroom you need to.