The Bachmann Diaries: Tyranny!

She's baaaack! Michele Bachmann's got another entry for her diary that you don't want to miss.

Dear diary,

As you know, I endorsed Mike Huckabee for president. Given that he’s currently polling at at 4%, I’m concerned he’s not the best choice. In the beginning, I thought he’d win, I really did. Mike is smart, funny, a great white Christian, he hates the same people Jesus hated, and he’s a really good guitar player, which appeals to the young folks. But now, I don’t know. Donald Trump is so far ahead of everyone, and frankly, I think he’s going to make a horrible president. Don’t get me wrong-I like him personally. Yes, he’s cheated on his wives, yes he’s married immigrants (ick), yes he talks about himself in the third person like some sort of emperor, and he’s kind of a chauvinist. Okay, maybe I don’t like him.

I like Mike Huckabee. And Ted Cruz, although Cruz’s dad was some sort of secret agent for Castro, which makes me nervous. And who is Carly Purina? From what Marcus has told me, she drove a computer company into the ground, and recently hijacked a preschool field trip to show the little tykes photos of aborted babies. Now that last one I can sort of endorse, but she should have had the parents sign a permission slip. As a lawyer, I understand law things like that.

Luckily, America’s greatest historian, David Barton, doesn’t hold my endorsement of Mike Huckabee against me, and recently had me on his show. We spoke about Moses, and Holy God, and the spiritual turmoil currently boiling over in this great nation thanks to liberals, abortion, HOMOS, and that colored Muslim in the White House. David is the foremost expert on American history, especially how our Founding Fathers drew all their inspiration from the Bible.

This is why the face of Moses is the only face not in profile in the House. Moses stares directly into the eyes of the Speaker, and during the State of the Union, into the eyes of the President. Which explains why Obama is always so nervous; he knows he’s Satan, and it’s upsetting to him to have to gaze upon a holy man’s effigy (Marcus got me a thesaurus for Christmas!).




We also spoke about Tyranny. I capitalize Tyranny because that is what Obama and all the liberals want. A Tyrannical government that gives special rights to people based on their skin color, how they have S E X, if they’re crippled, or if they’re fat. Americans are equal, period. No one is more equal than anyone else, except for white Christian conservatives, but that’s only because we’re the only group that works. Liberals sit in front of their Chinese-made computers all day (I buy AMERICAN! My computer is an all-American Apple!), putting together petitions for clean water in Flint, Michigan. You know how to help Flint, Michigan? Get rid of the EPA. Or tell people to move out of Flint, Michigan, except they can’t, because their water is so toxic, it’s illegal to sell their houses. I blame Obama.

Diary, I think Mike Huckabee is the best candidate to put America back on the Path to Jesus. Donald Trump can’t even quote the Bible. And what is on his head? It looks like a comatose muskrat.

Well, Rosario is on her way over to give me a mani-pedi. Marcus is spending the evening witnessing to two gay men who desperately want to change, and become one with the Lord. Marcus says the best way to relax them, and make them feel welcome, is to “Netflix and chill.” I bet they watch “Sharknado 3.” You know, because I star in it!

Hugs and Kisses, Michele

 

 

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