Hi Trump Voters,
So, firstly…you won. Good job. I genuinely mean that.
You pulled off a pretty historic thing here. Donald Trump is the man with the least (zero) public office experience and the least (zero) military experience to ever be president, or he will be when he’s sworn in. But don’t, please don’t, take that for snark. Because starting from this moment, I want to make peace with all of you. Before last night, I wanted you all crushed, buried, and swept away. And I’m fairly sure as your friendly neighborhood libtard, you felt the same about me.
We’re at a nexus of anger, sadness, despair, and revolution. And as a comedian, I want to say, “Fuck all that shit” and focus on the good. The positive. It’s really hard for a guy like me to see the positive right now, but as a person who doesn’t want to give up all hope for my children’s future, I know the only way I can do that is to dial-back the vitriol in my words. I’m self-aware enough to know that my writing — both satirical and otherwise — can come from a very angry place.
In fact, I spent a lot of the morning (mourning?) after being pretty fucking angry. I am, undeniably angry that you voted for Donald Trump. I’m not going to be intellectually dishonest with you about it. I am sure that had Hillary won, you’d all be pissed at me right about now.
But, well, Anger isn’t what America needs right now. It needs…unity. We’ll never get there if I keep fostering the hate. So from this point forward, I have to make sure, if I endeavor to make people laugh at American politics again — and something tells me there will be plenty of opportunity in the very near future to do so — I need to turn the anger knob down more than just a little. So this is my promise to you, Trump voters, I will do everything I can to mock the guy you voted for, but I’ll do so out of a pure intent. That intent, of course, to show how incredibly uncool your policies are, but that’s the point, right? I just won’t be a petty dick about it.
I don’t know how long I can keep this promise, but I want to try. I want to be a force for good, and not just more rancor for rancor’s sake. But I think if we’re going to do this, you all have some soul searching to do too. Believe me, my fellow libtards and I have a lot of talking and soul searching of our own we need to do. I’m not saying you’re the only ones, I’m just asking you not let your well-earned gloating get in the way of some facts I think you have to grapple with.
You Have No Mandate
The simple, mathematical fact is that of the three presidential elections you’ve won since the turn of the century, you couldn’t get the popular vote in two of them. You can poo-poo that, and I remember being a Republican in 2000 and accepting a win as a win. But if you think you get four years of easily sailing because you control all three branches of government alone, you’re in for a rude awakening. A lot, and I mean a shit ton, of people turned out yesterday to repudiate your candidate.
You cannot spin that in a very positive light.
You can, however, take this as a chance to reach across the aisle and see if we can’t find some shit to agree on and fix. No, I’m not telling you to give liberals what we want, I’m telling you to give us some of what we want. And then you get most of what you want. It’s how it’s supposed to work. I don’t like that you’re the big piece winner right now, but if we can get some kind of compromise going, then maybe we can right this ship eventually.
As much as the left wing must grapple with your forceful numbers, you have to work with ours. You didn’t win in a landslide. You won. And you deserve congratulations and a chance to see your policies enacted as long as they’re done so constitutionally. So can we please at least try some civility?
I won’t hold my breath but…
You won’t Have Liberals And Obama To Blame Anymore
So you know how you made fun of liberals for eight years for saying everything was Bush’s fault? Well, that was because when he left office, things were horrifically fucked up and he’d gotten us into a war of choice that cost us trillions and didn’t get shit-all accomplished. Try as you might to prove otherwise, Obama’s actually handing off the country to you guys in relatively stable condition, all things considered.
What that all means is that you own the next…however long Trump and/or his administration lasts. If it’s four years, eight years, or two days, whatever he does is on you. You can’t blame the #NeverTrump faction in your party. You can’t blame us, or Obama. The election wasn’t rigged. You guys won it, so now guess what?
You own it.
You break it, you buy it. So I’m actually going to take a page out of Mitch McConnell and Rush Limbaugh’s book right now. Then I’m going to tear it up and throw it away. I am genuinely hoping Trump does a good job. I want to be proven wrong now. Because here’s the thing — being proven right about Trump isn’t going to make dealing with the fallout (and I hope to fuck that’s not ominous foreshadowing using that word) any easier. So I want you guys to do well enough to where our whole country doesn’t come apart at the seams.
So What Am I Offering In Return?
You have to be wondering why you should care about this, and what’s in it for you. I get it. You just won, and won in a historic, crazy fashion. So let me just get right down to it.
I’m offering to, essentially get out of your way. You guys run the country until the next mid-term. Let’s see what happens. But here’s the thing — I’m not going to stop satirizing politicians. Believe me, I’ll hit the Democrats and hit them hard for fucking this up. But I’m also going to have fun at Trump’s expense. And you better believe no Twitter Nazis will keep me from doing that. So that means we all need to play nicely, or at least as nicely as we can. You’re not allowed to kill or jail me for being a comedian and making fun of the guy you elected.
Take some time, and think about this. I believe I’m right, that this country is in need of unity. And I promise to dial back the hate and vitriol and stick to the silly if you guys can do the same and/or not fuck up our country for a bit. Sound good? I hope so.
Jambo The Clown
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.