Dear my wonderful alt-left Americans,
As I sat next to the worst president in history today, Barack Hussein Obama, I couldn’t help but grin. Thanks in no small part to your tireless whining and desire for the perfect candidate, I am the president-elect. You were so focused on Crooked Hillary, you let me get away with everything. You ignored that I want to deport millions of Mexicans, you ignored that I want to ban Muslims and hopefully deport the ones who are already here, you ignored when I said we will be a nation under one God, and you really ignored how much my running mate hates the gays.
When Republican pussies (HA!) said they wouldn’t support me, or vote for me, I just waited. See, conservatives put party ahead of everything else. You could have done that, hell, you should have done that, but you refused. You wanted the old, white Socialist, with his special bird and his laser-like focus on hating rich people. Shit, when more centrist liberals tried to tell you about his gun votes, or that toxic waste, you put your hands over your ears and sang some stupid grunge song. Jesus, Sanders wrote some really weird article awhile back, where he claimed most women have rape fantasies, and you ignored that, too! It was awesome! Bigly awesome!
Plus, a lot of you alt-left folks are white, which played perfectly for me, especially the white feminists who voted for Jill Stein. You refuse to acknowledge that black feminists have a totally different experience than you do, and they’re pissed. It’s called intersectionality, and the only reason I know that is I thought it had something to do with sex. All feminists are awful, but the divide white privilege has caused-once again-got me elected. So thanks white feminists!
I have to mention US Uncut, a website almost solely dedicated to my election. You guys frigging rock. My God, even today, you’re blaming other liberals for my rise to power instead of preaching unity. Mind blowing. You’ve got an article headlined “Dear Neoliberal Democrats: This is Your Mess, Own It.” I almost fell out of my gold-plated chair when I read that. There’s another one claiming Bernie supporters are erupting with anger against the DNC, screaming “WE TOLD YOU SO” on Twitter. Wish I could see that, but someone took my Twitter away.
Here’s a secret: I would have beaten your cute little socialist, too. You know why? Because my supporters don’t think Black Lives Matter, they don’t want a higher minimum wage, and they believe they are one lottery ticket away from being the 1%. And they sure as hell don’t want the government paying for everything. My supporters think Blue Lives Matter, they think only minorities would benefit from a higher minimum wage, and they’re never, ever gonna be rich. Except-newsflash-most of the people who voted for me were at least upper middle class. This was never about jobs or the economy. This was about making America white and dominated by men. Suckers.
So, thank you, alt-left angry Bernie Bros, and thank you, US Uncut, for your support, for your anger, for ignoring all the horrible things I am going to do to minorities, and for hating Crooked Hillary more than you love this country.
Could not have done it without you!
All my best,
President Donald Trump
P.S. I WAS talking to Russia all along! Suckers!