Nothing says “classy and presidential” like insulting a woman just because she has the bad fortune of having to fuck Donald Trump or Ted Cruz.
Remember when Republicans were all like, “Oooh, we’re Republicans, and we’re the morally superior ones,” back in the 1990’s? You might recall them getting extremely high and mighty over a presidential hummer, and I’m not referring to the cars that Arnold Schwarzenegger likes to drive. Because you know, only vile, contemptible liberals and Democrats behave lasciviously, right? Oh, what’s that? Newt Gingrich was literally fucking another woman other than this wife at the same time he was putting Clinton on trial for his dalliance into Blowjob Town? Well…
That would make sense as to why the party’s two front running candidates have decided to stop smashing each other verbally, and have taken instead to lobbing insults at each other about one another’s wives, but there’s just no class, elegance, or presidential air to their schoolyard antics. So I figured I’d help them out in that regard.
Here are 6 Presidential and Classy Ways Ted Cruz and Donald Trump Can Better Insult Each Other’s Wives.
#6. Ted Cruz can promise to sign an executive order making sleeping with Donald Trump officially treason
Maybe it’s not presidential to harp on the fact that Melania is a model, and insinuate that because she’s been in racy photos that says something about her character. But presidents sign executive orders all the time. Richard Nixon even created the DEA with one. So if Cruz really wants to act presidential and talk shit on a woman solely because she’s married to his political opponent…signing an executive order making it treason to fuck Donald Trump would certainly do the trick!
#5. Donald Trump can agree to sign a bill forcing Heidi Cruz to get “ugly treatments for being so ugly”
Just like Cruz and his executive order making sex with Trump treason, the Donald can get one over on Cruz by acting presidential and signing a bill. It wouldn’t be law until he was elected, congress drafted it, passed it, put it on his desk, and he signed it. But if he can get enough cosponsors of a bill forcing Heidi Cruz to get “ugly treatments” because you know, Trump only bangs the top-shelf poon-aroo, then he may just win this battle of who can be shittier to women just because they made the mistake of agreeing to marry Ted Cruz or Donald Trump? And as hated as Ted Cruz is in congress — even by his own party — Trump may just have the upper hand.
#4. Ted Cruz can throw out the first pitch at a baseball game, and then throwing Melania Trump the finger
One of the things Americans love watching their president do is throw out the ceremonial first pitch of a baseball game. The first president to do so was Grover Cleveland. Cruz could simulate this experience by going to a ballpark and throwing out the first pitch himself, and then throwing up his middle finger to Melania Trump, who he can fly in just for this purpose. Just try to get the pitch over the plate, Teddy!
#3. Donald Trump can paint his jet to look like Air Force One and then fly over Ted Cruz’s house and show his ass to Heidi Cruz
He’s not president yet, but yooge winner Donald Trump could take his private jet, paint it up to look like Air Force One, and then use it to play a good prank on Heidi…namely low-flying over the Cruz home and then dropping his pants and showing his old, wrinkly ass to her. It’s sophomoric, but so is he. It’s immature, but so is he. It’s disgusting, but so is he. So in other words, look for a fake Air Force One flying over a house in Texas some time in the next couple weeks.
#2. Ted Cruz can set Melania Trump on the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom and fart in her face
The Lincoln Bedroom is as presidential as you can get. It’s a bedroom in the White House, where presidents live. It’s even named after a Republican president, so you know that gets Teddy hot and bothered. So what better way to insult Donald’s wife than by setting her down and bare-assed farting in her face? Is it something a third grader would do? Of course. But so is eating your own booger on national TV, and well…
#1. Let’s face it; being married to either one is insult enough
Both women actually just deserve to be left alone. Yes, it makes us wonder if they have hearing, smelling and/or vision problems to choose to marry either one, but they’re not the politicians. It speaks absolute volumes about both men that they would stoop to slinging mud about their wives, doesn’t it? So maybe what would be nice is if Melania and Heidi took turns roasting Ted and Donald. I think that might actually elicit bigger laughs than anything the men could drudge up, don’t you?