Jeb! is now Jeb 🙁 and really, truly, no one should be all that surprised. The biggest surprise about the Jeb! campaign will always be that there was a Jeb! campaign. It just goes to show how completely out of touch with mainstream America many in the Republican Party are that they didn’t have the foggiest clue America is sick of the Bushes. Well, Barbara knew over a year ago, but that’s one person in the family.
The most insane aspect of this latest Bush failure, of which historians will note several, is that he spent $150 million dollars on his political masturbatory voyage. That got me thinking…why couldn’t Jeb! come up with something way more fun to do with $150 million that was still self-congratulatory and ego-stroking? So I went ahead and did the thinking for him, as he’s a Bush and is probably quite used to other people doing his thinking for him, and here’s what I came up with.
5 Ideas for Jeb’s Next $150 Masturbatory Experience
#4. Donate $150 Million to Charities for Victims of Rape and Incest
Wouldn’t it be amazing if a Republican did something for victims of rape and incest? I mean, other than forcing them to have their rapists’ babies, of course. Think about all the positive press Jebby could have gotten if he’d just handed a charity for victims of this horrid abuse a check for a cool $150 million. After all, he was one of the “sane” ones up on the debate stage that only wanted to softly pressure rape victims into having their babies, not force them by law, so clearly he has at least a soupçon of humanity left in him. Next time Jeb, cut a check to a charity other than your favorite one — yourself.
#3. Build $150 Million in Low-Cost Housing
You know how conservatives are always saying that private charity should do what government clearly is incapable of in terms of helping those who need it? Jeb could have done the whole movement a solid by putting his donors’ money where his mouth has always been and directing them to give to a charity dedicated to building low in come housing. Hell, even in super-crazy-uber-liberal Utah they had a program that gave housing away and they have seen tremendous benefits. But nah, better to just blow $150 million on worthless ads and travel, right Jeb?
#2. Donate $150 Million to Iraq War Veterans’ Charities
Granted, the amount of damage the Bush family has done to the men and women who served in Iraq far outstrips the $150 million price tag. After all, how the hell do you put a price on your son or daughter’s life. But wouldn’t a better use of that money been to have at least made some small gesture toward the generation of people his brother helped send to slaughter — and to slaughter others — for no reason at all than his campaign that was doomed from the start?
#1. Literally Jam $150 Million Into His Rectum
The more I think about it, compared to a Jeb Bush 2016 presidential campaign, just about anything would be a better use of $150 million. You could re-shoot enough of The Force Awakens to make it its own, unique movie. You could buy $150 million worth of lottery scratcher tickets and hand them out to the poor; they’d have benefited more from that than from a Jeb presidency anyway. In point of fact, Jeb could literally roll up and shove all $150 million into his rectum and it would have at least have held some intrinsic entertainment value that far outstrips what his feckless, energy-free, presumptuous campaign. So maybe he should just do that next time?
No, there just should never, ever be a next time. For Jeb, or any Bush.