Bummed out about a potential Donald Trump presidency? Don’t be! We took our crack team of researchers into the field, canvassing all 50 states, in an attempt to look for ways that average Americans can survive President Donald J. Trump’s historic presidential term, which if we’re all being honest will probably last less than two years, since he’ll likely do something impeachable in the first five hours he’s in the Oval Office.
At any rate, here are 5 Ways You Can Survive a Trump Presidency.
#5. Move to a state with legal weed; sell weed to buy heroin, welcome sweet release of death
Sure, this one takes a little time to accomplish, so there is a chance you might have to be alive for a few days in Trump’s America. But once you get your hands on that sweet, sweet smack, it’ll just be a matter of one, good, strong dose and POOF! you’re dead. Does that mean you technically “survived” Trump’s presidency? No. But do you really want to be alive after four or even eight years of that particular nightmare? We didn’t think so.
#4. Be white
It’s really not that hard to figure out how to get by in Donald Trump’s America. Just have white skin. Go to one of his rallies and you’ll be awash in a sea of melanin-free humans. Trump’s campaign is fueled by angry white people, so just be one of them for four to eight years and you’ll come out on the other side just fine…and with a few new pairs of crisp, white sheets…and an Academy Award.
#3. Be white and conservative
Want to take it to the next level? Of course you do! Don’t just be white, be white and conservative! God knows Trump isn’t running a unity campaign. So if he wins, you’re going to want to blend in, and having white skin may not actually be enough. For instance, get caught saying something like, “Gee, I wish our taxes could go toward rebuilding our infrastructure more than to building a stupid wall on the southern border,” and it doesn’t matter what color your skin is, in Trump’s America…you’re fucked.
#2. Be white, conservative, and Christian
Well, to be fair, even if you’re white and conservative some Trumpeters will still look down on you if you don’t pray to the same God they do. You’re doing well by claiming yourself to be a white conservative, but just to be on the safe side, you’d probably better say you’re a Christian too. Because you know, they’re way different from religious extremists like the Taliban and stuff. They want to write laws based on their holy book, you see, but they want to do that in English, not in Muslimese. That’s why if you really want to blend in you’re going to have to convert and take Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior.
#1. Be white, conservative, Christian, and deathly afraid of brown people, gay people, and women people
Okay. So if you’re white, conservative, and Christian, you may still stick out like a sore thumb in Trump’s America. Why? Because not every white, conservative Christian is also a bigot, xenophobe or sexist, that’s why. But Trump supporters certainly do have at least some of those traits in common, don’t they? Maybe they’re not all sexist or all xenophobic, but well…who the fuck am I kidding? They’re mostly sexist and xenophobic. Hence the violence against people of color at their rallies and real-life white supremacists endorsing him and whatnot. So if you really, truly, want to survive living in Donald Trump’s America, you’re going to need to walk, talk, look like, worship the same deity and hate the same minority groups as Trump supporters do. Otherwise, you take your own sanity — and likely safety — into your own hands.