You are best to avoid any of the following five types of conservatives. In my experience these are the people that you could literally hand every study on climate science and they’d still deny climate change is happening. They aren’t worth engaging because you’ll never convince them and frankly, the shit that comes out of their mouth is so bone-chillingly stupid what would be the point? So just ignore these people. Trust me.
#5. The “Hitler Was a Leftist” Conservative
They’re very easy to spot because within three words of any comment about Obama they call him “your fuhrer” and then the histrionics start. These are the conservatives that said background check laws would lead us down the road to disarmament like Hitler did to his people. Hitler was a right-winger if ever there was one. He believed in building his country’s military might as a means of plumping up the economy and rebuilding the social structure as well. He was a nationalist and more importantly everyone who was awake in 10th Grade European History class knows he was a right-wing fascist. Arguing with people who deny that fact is completely pointless because the only reason they’re re-writing history is to avoid comparisons between their ideologies and Hitler’s.
Speaking of history revisionism…
#4. The “Slavery Had Little Or Nothing To Do With the Civil War” Conservative
Anyone who denies the importance and impact of slavery on this nation to this very day is just burying their head in the sand or an outright racist. Let’s make something crystal clear — when states started seceding from the Union, they named Lincoln’s election and therefore presumed death of slavery in the country as their primary and usually sole reason for leaving. Of course they wanted to protect their agrarian economy, but their agrarian economy was literally built on a foundation of racism. The labor being completely free was the most crucial element of the South’s economy, because of the obvious lack of overhead. Of course the Southerners leaving the Union did so over slavery, and it’s only those with the intent to preserve what systemic racism they can while it lasts that even attempt to re-write history in such an ignorant way.
#3. The “All Abortion is Murder of Little Innocent Babies” Conservative
These people are about as apathetic and sociopathic as you can get because they are the folks that would have absolutely zero problem incarcerating a rape victim for aborting her rapists’ baby. It takes a disgusting and inhumane level of depravity to want to re-victimize a woman (or just as likely little girl) who was raped and impregnated — these are the people who deny the importance of the medical viability of the fetus because they know it makes the best case for why the mother’s life is of primary importance.
If they’re unwilling to meet you half-way on the importance of keeping the mother alive at all costs, and if they’re unwilling to at least have sympathy for a rape victim, they’re not worth discussing anything with because those are the people who live in a black and white world devoid of any nuance, which happens to be what every tough issue is made completely from — nuance. Sure, abortion’s a tough topic no matter what, but if you can’t go into it with at least a modicum of human compassion for someone other than the still-developing human fetus, you aren’t worth anyone’s time or energy.
#2. The “Rush Is Right” Conservative
Rush Limbaugh’s watch isn’t even right one time a day. Ditto-Heads are to be avoided at all costs. I guarantee you that at least 90% of his audience that identifies as “conservative” never expose themselves to even a whiff of an opposing viewpoint, so why bother debating them? If you want to the same experience as debating with a Ditto-Head, just go find any large box, fill it with rocks, put “The Bible, “Atlas Shrugged,” and a bottle of Oxycontin on top of it. Then scream your head off at the box. It’s the same exact thing as talking with a fan of Rush’s. I promise.
#1. The “Racist Birther Dumbfuck” Conservative
This is the guy (or gal) to really avoid. All the others you might be able to skate in and out of a conversation with, especially if you get drunk, stoned, or hit yourself with a hammer in in the skull right before you engage with them. The Birthers on the other hand? Fuck them. Fuck them with an old rake, shovel, two sand buckets and a copy of “Casual Sex?,” the 1988 comedy that features Lea “Back to the Future” Thompson and if ironies never cease — current Tea Bagger/Birther Dumbfuck, Victoria Jackson. Honestly, there is no more vile person than the racist hack who genuinely believes Barack Hussein Obama is a Kenyan Socialist planted here by George Soros and the ghost of Saul Alinksy, because they hate the president not out of any ideological disputes, though there are certainly plenty of those.
They hate the president either because he’s black, a Democrat, or both. No, not every Republican is a racist, clearly not. But the virulent strain of Republicanism that buys into the birther bullshit? They are. Maybe they’re just pre-conditioned to not bristle at racist tripe from two and a half decades of being pumped full of dog-whistle racism by the likes of Limbaugh. Maybe then they’re just tacit racists, and with a little help they can be rehabilitated, but let’s be honest here. Anyone who truly, deep-down at the bottom of their heart believes this crazy stuff just simply isn’t worth engaging because the world they live in isn’t ours, never will be ours, and they’ll always be the flies in our ointment as long as we let them stay there; so maybe a nice big heapin’ helpin’ of the Silent Treatment is the best way to deal with them after all.