5 Things Gretchen Carlson Can Buy With Her $20 Million Roger Ailes/Fox News Settlement

Some fun suggestions on where Gretchen Carlson should spend her new cash pile.

Not that any of us doubted the allegations once they started piling up, but Gretchen Carlson’s $20 million settlement from Fox News of her suit against former CEO Roger Ailes pretty much vindicates her, doesn’t it? Hard to see how a public apology from Fox as they hand over that kind of cash isn’t a direct admission of Ailes’ guilt — and a pretty broad condemnation of their entire culture — but Roger will surely find a way to excuse himself from any real consequences anyway.

That being said, I could to wondering what kinds of things Gretchen might feel like spending her new windfall on. All she had to do was endure sexual advances from literally the most sexually disgusting human being on the planet for it, so I’m sure the money won’t really mean that much to her.

5 Things Gretchen Carlson Will Buy With Her $20 Million Roger Ailes/Fox News Settlement

#5. A New Blindfold To Last Her The Next 10 Years

Gretchen worked for Fox News for 10 years. No one works at Fox News without putting blinders on. Whether you force yourself to be blind to climate change, gender inequality, LGBTQ+ inequality, or systemic racism, being an anchor on Fox means you’ve got to turn a blind eye to anything and everything that doesn’t rhyme with “Benghazi” or “Obama’s a black Kenyan Communist Sharia Loving Socialist.” With a cool twenty million though, Gretchen can replace the blindfold she wore for a decade at Fox without missing a beat.

#4. A Lifetime Supply Of Mind Bleach To Erase The Image Of Roger Ailes Grasping For Her Booty

I really don’t want to be too harsh on Gretchen here. After all, she may have sold her soul to work for the devil, but did she really have any way of knowing how handsy Satan is? Could she have had any clue just what a lecherous scumbag Lucifer is? Could poor Gretchen Carlson have had any way of knowing just what a pervy shit-lip Beelzebub is? Or, was she, to borrow a phrase from many who have graced Fox’s airwaves over the years, was Gretchen just dressed a certain way and “asking for it,” I wonder?




Nah, just kidding, Ailes is a gross piece of shit and there’s never any justification for sexual harassment or assault. I’m not a conservative, so I get that.

#3. Laser Tattoo Removal Surgery So Her Right Bicep No Longer Says “Fox 4 Lyphe”

Whenever Voldemort welcomed a new dark wizard into the Death Eaters, he’d give them a “Dark Mark,” which was a special tattoo that forever branded someone a member of his vile gang. Roger Ailes, being of similar snake-like qualities and darkness of heart, does the same for all his anchors. If Gretchen’s going to have her special tattoo removed, it will cost a pretty penny. $20 million worth in pretty pennies could get the trick done though, and she’d still have enough left over to buy herself a new set of scruples, a soul, and a sense of shame for having been a tool of regressive right-wing propaganda that excuses the kinds of behavior she just got paid a shit load of money for enduring.

#2. A Pony!

Twenty million smackeroons will get you just about anything you want. And since Gretchen has always been such a fan of “traditional” gender roles and stereotypes, I’m sure she’ll buy a pony for herself with some of her money. After all, isn’t that what all girls want, deep-down? Just a pony and a man in their life to help them raise it/sexually harass them to the top of a news organization? No? That’s just me?

#1. A Clean Conscience After Nearly A Decade Selling Her Gender Out

Not to beat a dead horse, or to belabor the point, but I just cannot fathom how a thinking woman could work for Fox News for any amount of time. No, women don’t have to follow some rigid set of ideological rules for me to consider them smart; there can be smart conservative women. It’s just that even conservative women know that Republican policies are typically terrible for them both socially and economically, so they don’t tend to champion them. Not to mention, it’s just the height of stupidity to work for a network who is the voice of pro-life propaganda as a woman, because even if you’re pro-life yourself, are you really going to tell another woman — possibly a victim of rape or incest — they have to give up control of their uterus to the government? Maybe $20 million can buy Gretchen a bit of relief for her guilty conscience over selling her fellow women up the river every chance she got for the better part of a decade.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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