Scholars and historians met last week and decided as a group that even though the General Election hasn’t been held yet, that the 2016 presidential election will go down in history as “officially worse than drinking diarrhea and washing it down with an ice cold glass of gonorrhea.” Okay, so maybe that is actually just a phrase I made up because this election cycle is making my teeth itch, my asshole quiver, and my soul escape through any and all orifices it can find in my Adonis-ish body.
But you know what? It hasn’t been ALL bad. I have in fact learned a few things, and here are the five biggest ones so far.
#5. I’m Not a “Real” Democrat If I Voted for Obama Twice But Don’t Want to Vote for Hillary Once
Don’t worry. I’m not here to whine about Bernie Sanders not winning the Democratic nomination. I’m here to point out how awesome it is to have your loyalty questioned by a bunch of people who you literally helped make history with by electing the first black president in our nation’s history…twice. It’s funny, as a satirical comedian and writer I have spent countless hours and untold hundreds of thousands of words defending Democrats (for the most part) from the inane attacks on the right. But oh, fuck me for not wanting to vote for someone whose morality I find appallingly fluid and whose hypocrisy on guns alone is enough to choke to a rhino?
Awesome. Apparently if I vote for Jill Stein I’m a secret Republican who hates Democrats, and not a disgruntled Democrat choosing to vote for a different candidate. Because that makes sense.
#4. Republicans Really Don’t Have Any Fucks Left to Give
We all kinda knew coming away from 2012 that the GOP was in danger of quickly becoming irrelevant in terms of the presidency. They did a huge autopsy on that year’s election, were told to stop being shitty to gay people, women, and minorities, and then spent four years being even shittier to gay people, women, and minorities. Then, to top it all off, they nominated Donald Fucking Trump as their candidate for the White House. That’s like being accused of hating good music and hiring Justin Bieber to play your kids bar mitzvah. Clearly what’s happened is that Republicans have seen the writing on the wall — that spending a couple decades getting cozy with crackpot conspiracy theorists and white supremacists (with a healthy dose of religious extremism to boot) left them totally screwed — and they decided to throw a backward Hail Mary, hoping that the rest of America will decide, “Fuck it,” in unison, and elect Trump.
#3. Paul Ryan Really Doesn’t Have Any Balls
There isn’t a sane person on this planet who thinks Donald Fucking Trump will be a good president. There are definitely establishment Republicans who are endorsing him, and that makes you scratch your head, but those people are clearly insane. Trump could do a lot of things well, as long as by “a lot” you mean “one thing” and that one thing is “being a douchebag.” But instead of having the courage of his convictions to flat-out say they should not vote for Trump, DudeBro of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) has told everyone to simply “vote their conscience.” Ryan won’t just flat-out say to not vote for Trump because as much as he plays the upstanding citizen on TV, he’s just a cynical, power hungry politician at his core.
As the poet laureate Billie Joe Armstrong wrote once, “Don’t pat yourself on the back, you might break your spine,” Paul.
#2. Ted Cruz Might Be More Hated By His Own Party Than By Everyone Else
What kind of completely loathed, fully hated piece of human garbage runs against Donald Trump and loses in humiliating fashion? Well, a few Republicans actually, but probably none more pathetically than Ted Cruz. You see, Teddy was such a douche to everyone, literally everyone in D.C. that his own team just flatly refused to unite behind him. Seriously. Sen. Collins from Maine threw him right under the bus on that one and basically said that as terrible as Trump is, there was hope for him to not be such a douche, where as with Cruz it’s a case of “the douche you see is the douche you get and then some.” Let’s all point and laugh at Cruz together, shall we?
#1. We’re All Totally Fucked No Matter What…YAY!
No matter who wins this year, no one will really be all that happy except for the most die-hard of that candidate’s fans. The favorable/unfavorable ratings for the two parties’ presumptive nominees is embarrassingly and frighteningly low. Yeah, you can chalk some of that up to a two party system that just feeds off making you hate the red/blue team since they’re not on your red/blue team. But truth to be told in the Democratic nominee you have a well-qualified, slickly packaged, morally triangulating politician who has made tons of money giving speeches to the very people her party used to claim whose influence they wanted removed from politics altogether. And on the Republican side you have a walking, talking shart in an unconvincing toupee. So no matter what…we’re fucked. We either get four more years of the status quo economically (with a fun, hawkish president who could send us to war if she sees fit/imperial gain in it)