4 Replacements for Justice Scalia the NRA Would Approve

Want someone to fill Justice Scalia's seat on the Supreme Court, run it by the NRA first.

Did you know that the NRA has a constitutional right to approve any and all Supreme Court Justices?

Now, don’t go grabbing your pocket Constitutions, because you’re not going to, like, find it in there or whatever. It’s just a little known factoid that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell dropped on us this week. You see, the Septuagenarian Mutant Obstructionist Turtle announced this week that as long as he’s in charge of the Senate, anyone who is offered up to replace Justice Antonin Scalia’s empty seat on the Supreme Court’s bench has to be vetted by the National Rifle Association and get the gun manufacturer lobbyists’ consent.

Picky historians and constitutional scholars will point out that the actual Constitution says that the job of picking justices falls on the president and the Senate is to approve — or disapprove — said candidate. But that’s just what people with a government education want you to think. So we decided to go along for the ride and come up with some suggestions for Scalia replacements we know the NRA will just love.

#4. A Bushmaster AR-15

What better replacement for the man who many gun lovers credit as saving the Second Amendment, than actual semi-automatic rifle? Just imagine how good it’ll look in the robes. And just in case things get too heated in the chambers, Chief Justice John Roberts can pick it up, and fire a few dozen rounds into the ceiling to get everyone’s attention. Hell, it can even replace his gavel! I mean, you could even just replace all the other eight justices with one single rifle and tell people the first person to get their hands on it “wins” their case. Win-win, if you ask us!

#3. Wayne LaPierre

Sure, he’s not a lawyer, and no, he doesn’t have a law degree. But what NRA Executive Wayne LaPierre does have is his NRA membership card, which would be more than enough to qualify anyone, really, for the highest court in the country. LaPierre really would be a natural fit considering he and Scalia were torrid, hardcore gay lovers. Oh sorry, that’s just me reading between the lines and judging from body language toward one another. Anyway, the point is that there isn’t anyone as sycophantic about their love of guns than LaPierre, now that Scalia’s spending eternity playing left tackle on Satan’s football team, and so the NRA executive would be quite a nice fit for Scalia’s hole…that he left on the bench.

#2. 20 Dead First Graders

Oh, what? You thought we’d forgotten about the fact that in 2012 a gunman walked into an elementary school and killed 20 first graders, and that our country’s legislators literally did nothing in response? This one’s not a joke; there is no punchline. We just wanted to remind everyone what a farce this country’s attitude toward guns really is. Onto the rest of the yuk-yuk list.

#1. The Second Amendment

Let’s be honest. The NRA and certain, extreme members of the gun culture in this country don’t give much, if any, thought to the amendments other than the bang-bang one. So if they had the ability, it’s pretty obvious they would literally throw out everything else and just leave the Second Amendment. Because in their minds you don’t need anything other than a gun in life. Of course, if you ask them how they’d get the ability to write out a right to a gun without the right to free expression and thought they’ll melt into a pool of tears and ammunition, but that’s a discussion for another time. We’re pretty sure if they could find a way, Repbublicans would literally just replace Scalia with a copy of the Second Amendment, dust off of their hands, and call it a day.

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