We’ve noticed something on the social media channels we follow that lean Democratic. There are a lot of people stuck in between two very polarized sets of über-fans. There are the Bernie Bots and the Hillary Hawks. And for the life of us, we can’t figure out where all the hate is coming from. We have our preferred candidate, but it’s not like the other one isn’t qualified and wouldn’t do an acceptable job of letting us down on around half (or more) of what they promise. We came up with five reasons, in fact, that you all should be BFFs, check it out.
#5. None of You and Neither of Your Candidates Think Rape Comes in a Variety Pack
Sometimes it’s legitimate. Sometimes it’s “a blessing in disguise” if it produces a wonderful little bundle of God’s Will known as a “rape baby.” But for whatever reason, conservatives have really taken to completely misunderstanding how rape works, though it feels like a really simple concept to us. You Bernie Bots and Hillary Hawks should be cozied-up together knowing that no matter who wins, your candidate won’t try to set more than half the country’s population back a few decades.
#4. Both of Your Candidates Don’t Call Taxes “Theft” or Social Security a “Ponzi Scheme”
Modern day right-wingers seem to believe in an economy and society that looks like “Mad Max.” Taxation isn’t a necessary part of a healthy, functioning society and species to them. It’s theft, forced at gunpoint by jackbooted government thugs.Social Security to them is a Ponzi Scheme and not retirement insurance because they a) don’t get how it’s designed b) don’t understand how it’s funded and c) only see things through a business prism and therefore don’t get that government accounting works necessarily a little differently than a home checking account does. Be happy that both Hillary and Bernie may differ on their overall economic philosophies, but neither will abolish infrastructure to cut “evil government spending” or try to privatize Social Security.
#3. No One in the Room Thinks “Equality” is a Liberal Conspiracy
The Gays are too “militant” to them. Women are “Femi-Nazis.” Black people are just “commit more crime culturally.” These really, really idiotic sounding talking points are actual conservative thoughts that conservatives have. This is why the hear the word “equality” and either mock people fighting for it (you know, like that libtard Martin Luther King, Jr.?), or they actively try to block it. They just don’t think people are entitled to ensuring a level playing field exists for some reason. Bernie and Hillary both share an understanding this way of thinking is caca-thinking.
#2. You All Think the Earth is Pretty Neat, and Your Candidates Both Don’t Want to Murder It
The great thing about America’s left-wing is that it’s like politicians pretty much everywhere else regardless of their ideological bent — they acknowledge climate change is real. Over here in Freedumb Land™, we have a right-wing that barely acknowledges it and when they do tries really hard to find reasons that it’s not worth caring about. So Bernie Bots, look over at the Hillary Hawks, stare them in the eye, and tell them you appreciate the fact that they may support someone else, but that you all want to keep us, like, alive and shit.
#1. All of You Get How Dope the First Amendment Is, and Want to Protect the Shit Out of It
We do need to have a discussion at some point about über-PC liberals ruining free speech-y type stuff like comedy and whatnot, but for the most part it’s nice to know that modern liberals tend to cherish the hell out of our Bill of Rights’ first and frankly sexiest amendment. It’s the thing that pretty much sets up what makes this country pretty awesome to live in. You can pretty much say and do what you want, without interference from the government or the church, and you have the First Amendment to thank for that. Be very thankful, all you zealots, that you share a common desire to defend and extend its protections to ensure we remain a free and open society, which seems kinda important.