It’s hard to believe that it’s really happening, I know, but in less than 48 hours Donald Trump is going to be our president, and that means he gets to deliver an inaugural address. The speeches that presidents give just after taking the oath of office become some of the defining moments in not just their presidencies, but in the country’s history. The inaugural addresses of Washington, Lincoln, FDR, and JFK are considered some of the best and most important prose of all time.
So what will Trump’s speech be like? Something tells me if you take the next day and eat only Taco Bell, then fart into a jar or Ziploc bag, you’d come close to what his speech will be like. But in the interest of fun, and having something else to write, I did some thinking, and came up with some key phrases I’m all but sure we’ll hear come out of Trump’s puckered asshole of a mouth.
#5. “Я русский!”
You might recall that John F. Kennedy famously said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. But Kennedy’s second most famous quote came when he addressed a German audience as the Cold War was starting to rip that country apart. Kennedy said, “Ich bin ein Berliner,” or “I am a Berliner” in solidarity with the city that was being literally ripped into two halves. For Trump, this quote, in Russian, would be showing solidarity with his friends across the pond, and it means something simple, elegant, and to the point.
“I am a Russian.”
#4. “With Malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us grab ’em by the pussy!”
When Lincoln gave his second inaugural address, the country was deeply, bitterly divided. We had just fought a literal civil war, and roughly half the country hated him. There are actually a lot of parallels between then and now, minus the whole “killing your fellow American in a field out in Virginia somewhere” thing. It would be good for Trump to draw from Lincoln’s speech, which was an attempt at starting the reconcile the country’s divisions, but you know he’s gotta do it in his own signature, Trumpian way. So he could just tack on one of his own very popular catch phrases, and he’d score bigly with his fellow Republicans.
#3. “Let’s make America great again…if Vladimir says it’s cool to do so!”
Donny is quite proud of his trademark campaign slogan, “Make America Great Again.” Even though it literally means nothing, and is about as empty a platitude as one can possibly imagine, it was the empty platitude and meaningless slogan that got him elected, goddamnit. So you better believe he won’t pass up a chance to say it at least once during his inaugural address. But only if his friend Vladimir Putin says it’s okay. Because you know, Putin has, um, experience as a president and knows these things better than Don, or something.
#2. “Peasants, workers, and bourgeoisie must all join together to provide the building blocks for the new Reich.”
A good leader recognizes when someone might be better at doing something than they are. Donald Trump must know that he’s not the best at giving public speeches, but that doesn’t mean he can’t borrow lines from people who are good at it. After all, it worked like a charm for his wife Melania. She stole entire sections of a Michelle Obama speech for her Republican National Convention address this year, and even when she was caught, it didn’t matter because Republicans only care about stuff if Democrats do it.
Sure, this line is stolen from some dude called “Adolf” or whatever, but it perfectly sums up the Trump message of making the Reich — or America, whatever — great again though coming together for the common good, eh?
#1. “I’m a big, fat dummy with tiny hands, thin orange skin, and a penchant for doing anything it takes to make myself and my family richer than God.”
Oh, sorry. That last one was just a lot of wishful thinking on my part. Even though this is exactly what he should say, he won’t. This may be the first inaugural address where the words “I” and “me” are used more than “us” and “we.” So good fucking times I guess, right America?
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.