A couple of months ago I wrote a satirical piece about Donald Trump offering Sarah Palin a ridiculously satirical cabinet position in exchange for her support. This was weeks before her official endorsement of The Donald though, and I figured that there was no way that even Trump would be stupid enough to promise her a cabinet role. I was wrong, and once again I went from satirist to soothsayer, as Trump has said we would offer the half-term half-wit a spot in his cabinet should he win the election this fall. But that of course begs the question — what cabinet position will Sarah Palin fill in the Donald J. Trump administration?
Well, here are five ideas anyway.
#5. Secretary of Traditional Family Values
Who better to head-up a new executive department of government dedicated to ensuring that you’re not a sexual deviant than Sarah Palin? It’d sorta be like when you hire a hacker to check out the security of your computer network because time and again the Palin
Klan Clan shows that it is every bit as dysfunctional as the broken homes they claim liberalism creates. Whether it’s her daughter Bristol’s continued tour of North American dicks, drunken family brawls, or the questions that still remain over who is Trig Palin’s real mother, when it comes to fucked-up family relations, Sarah might be the country’s leading expert.
#4. Secretary of Finishing What You Started
If you ask any conservative Republican they’ll tell you that perseverance is vital in pulling yourself up by your boot straps like a good patriot does. You can’t do anything or go anywhere in life without being able to stick to it and finish what you began. If we’re going to solve the problems that face us, President Trump knows he must create a new department, and install Palin as its head. The Department of Finishing What You Started is the perfect fit for a woman who resigned just half-way through her gig as Alaska’s governor, and who has had more failed TV shows than she’s had failed campaigns and failed attempts to sound not-dumb.
#3. Secretary of State Soul Ownership
As part of her long-winded, pedantic, meandering speech in which she — we think — endorsed Donald Trump for president, Palin said that she would “rather beg than depend on the government because then they’ll own your soul.” This got Trump to thinking, which everyone knows is a rare and beautiful thing. Palin’s comment about the government owning the souls of people it helps will inspire President Trump to create a special department just for the accounting of each and every American soul the government has in its Soul Inventory. The perfect job for Palin — a made up one that centers around nothing that’s real.
#2. Secretary of Word Salad
No one, and I mean no one is better at speaking for long periods of time and saying absolutely nothing of substance than Sarah Palin. The only who comes close, of course, is Donald Trump himself. So this is indeed a match made in long-winded, idiotic heaven. Hell, her endorsement speech along was enough verbal diarrhea to deplete the world’s supply of Pepto. Maybe Trump and Palin know something we don’t, and diatribes that are completely context, subtext, and intellect-free are what the American people need most desperately these days, so who better to head up a new department dedicated to churning out sentence after sentence of gobbledygook than the Alaskan Wonderdink herself?
#1. Secretary of Holy Shit, This Is How the Republic Falls
Look, people had better stop pretending as if Trump can’t win. After all, though I was barely born when he was elected, I am fairly certain most people didn’t think some shitty B-rate actor who was California’s governor once could be elected to the goddamned White House…and well, we all know what trickled down next, don’t we? I’d like to think that even if Trump wins even he wouldn’t be stupid enough to put Palin in charge of a pencil sharpener, much less an actual governmental agency, but dumber things have happened in this nation’s history. So if we don’t want to be stuck in the situation of a laughing stock turning into a nightmare, perhaps it’d be good for people to vote this fall.