Well, that was fun while it lasted, the United States of America I mean. Kid Fucking Rock…yes, that Kid Rock…is going to run for the Senate. It’s a development so stupid, so frighteningly terrible, so ba-widdy-ba-da-bang-da-bang-shitty that it makes you question your humanity. Speaking of which, I’d like to amend the first sentence. Instead of it just being terrible for the country, it’s terrible for the entire species. Why?
BECAUSE KID FUCKING ROCK SUCKS. AT EVERYTHING. HE EVER DOES. THAT’S WHY.
Oh, also? He’s not fucking qualified to be a Senator. He is definitely qualified to serve you a shake with your fries. He’s absolutely qualified to mashup two good songs into one horrific pile of shit song. But being an elected official…a legislator? Fuck off with that shit.
But you know, I’m feeling generous and charitable today, so I decided to work for the Kid Rock campaign for one day, and come up with his campaign slogans for him. These are the five best options I could bring myself to give a shit enough about to write. I figure I put as much effort into these as he’ll put into being a lawmaker.
#5. “I Am A Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Douche!”
It plays off his biggest hit, and it communicates exactly what his policy stances will look like, no matter the issue. Just think — he can start every campaign rally with it. He can do the whole song, even, and just replace the part where he shouts “KID” for thirty seconds in one elongated note, with his slogan. It’s a viral marketing stroke of genius, if you ask me.
#4. “Cuz Fuck Everyone Else, Am I Right?”
Voting for a Republican in any normal election is questionable depending on the level of deep red state, evangelical craycray in their rhteoric. But it took a self-evident torrent of apathy from the right to vote for Donny Douchebag. There is no way that they can claim to be the same party that gave the country Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Eisenhower, or even Reagan. Trump is proving to be a lot like Nixon though, so there is that. Maybe the GOP is just in a forty-five year time loop and they only know how to elect dicks…and Dicks? Who knows, but the same level of “fuck all y’all” mentality will drive Kid Rock supporters to the polls, too.
#3. “Your Head Shouldn’t Be The Only Thing With a Rock In It!”
Clearly our current Toddler in Chief’s win last year proves that any idiot can win an election. But it also proves it takes a whole shit load of idiots for that to happen. This slogan would speak to the scores of idiots out there that Kid Rock will need to vote for him in order to win. I think it’s quite catchy, and would make an excellent bumper sticker.
#2. “Because Unqualified Quasi-Celebrities With Questionable Talent As Elected Officials Has Never Been Stupid Or Turned Out Shittily Ever, Especially Not Literally Right The Fuck Now!”
Yes, this one would not be ideal for bumper stickers. Unless you plan on putting said bumper stickers on a Greyhound bus or Boeing jet aeroplane (that’s what the kids are still calling them right?) But it’s also the most honest about the right’s fascinating obsession with nominating D-List, Shit Tier celebrities to prove they don’t worship celebrities like those libtards do. So, it has that going for it.
#1. “The Sarah Palin of Sonny Bonos”
The late Sonny Bono was a gifted songwriter, and an even more gifted selector of far more talented people to mentor into greatness and ride their coattails. But he was also a Republican congressman. So maybe Kid should play off that and remind everyone he was once a musician as well. The problem is that he’s stupid as fuck and hangs out with Sarah Palin, so he’s got to put that in his slogan as well. And don’t feel too bad for him or Palin with this one, because you know it wouldn’t actually keep from getting Republican votes.