Sean Spicer is out. He’s gone. After six months as the White House Press Secretary, it was apparently one million lies too many, and he has stepped down, reported first by the “Failing” New York Times. And now, let us take a moment to pay tribute to Sean.
In a tweet, Spicer indicated that it was an “honor & a privilege” to serve Trump, and that he will stay on and fulfill his duties through August.
— Sarah Sanders (@PressSec) July 21, 2017
By our math, that leaves Spicer with about a month to line up new work. He’s going to be busy sorting his personal affects into a box, and reminiscing about the best lies he told in his short six month tenure. So we decided to help Sean out and come up with five jobs Spicy can apply for once he’s completely done with the Trump White House.
#5. WalMart Liar
You know how WalMart has its greeters? They’re the people who stand in front of their stores, just inside, and say a nice, honest, “Hello,” to the people as they come in. Well, Spicer’s recent experience in the Trump administration disqualify him from the honest part, but luckily for Spicy, they have a new position for someone who tell a total and complete lie to people as they enter. “Hey, don’t worry! No one will think you’re an asshole if you buy that t-shirt with the Confederate Flag on it!”
#4. Head White House Groundskeeper
Okay, sure, he just left the White House. Chances are that Sean’s probably really looking forward to being away from all that chaos. But then again, he’s still going to need a paycheck, because we all know a Republican would rather literally die than ever take something as horrific as unemployment. So, considering he’s already proven himself quite knowledgeable of the White House’s bushes, maybe he could just become their head groundskeeper, or at least Executive in Charge of Shrubbery.
#3. Cattle Rancher
Name one person who’s become more familiar with shoveling pure bullshit for the last six months than Sean Spicer. So it would stand to reason that any job that entails working with the literal shit from bulls would be something Spicy would be really good at. Being a rancher or farmer is perfect for Sean, because after spending six months standing next to Kellyanne Conway, he knows exactly how to make the best, most horrifying scarecrow imaginable!
When it comes to working near or around assholes, no one’s got more experience than Sean Spicer. He worked with Steve Bannon for half a year, which is a like being Trump’s lower intestine; you’re just inches away from his filthy asshole. (Yes, we’ll take the low hanging comedic fruit. All day, every day.)
#1. Satan’s Press Secretary
Hell is probably a step up from the Trump White House. Think about it. Satan doesn’t have a dumb son too stupid to realize he shouldn’t take a meeting with a foreign adversary to get dirt on a political opponent. And you know that Satan’s lack of care for the poor, sick, or elderly would put Sean’s Republican mind at ease.