In this country, we believe everyone has a right to their opinion, and more importantly, to their vote. Except of course if you’re to vote for someone we don’t want you to vote for. Then, you better be ready to come grovel at our feet and beg for our forgiveness. If you, for instance, are a Bernie Sanders supporter, you’re going to want to have some excuses to give your friends and family for this crime against humanity. And here are some ready-made suggestions for you.
#5. I mistakenly thought I could help get big money out of politics so we could have a bigger say in our how our government works.
If you want to get all “intellectual” and “technical” and “correct” about it, there is nothing in the Constitution that says corporations are people or that freedom of speech in any way translates to money. But thanks to Supreme Court cases like Citizens United and McCutcheon, that’s exactly the world we live in, and sure, it would seem that the corrupting influence of money has permeated every single aspect of our government, but do you really think supporting the one guy who has openly shunned and campaigned against that way of financing campaigns will help, Hippie? Say you’re sorry for trying to pull a Teddy Roosevelt, and go sit back down, Corporate Unit #45,912!
#4. For some silly reason I thought we all agree poor people deserve education too.
It’s a noble thought, at first, wanting to make as many people as smart as we can and use our tax dollars to achieve this. I mean, smart people will come up with creative solutions to the tough problems we can’t even predict in the future. And sure, more education should mean higher paying jobs and more money back into the economy which helps the wealthy people who depend on consumers to keep our economy — and their stock dividends — in an upward trajectory. But well, shut up! Because that’s all crazy communist talk! Instead, just remember that the dumber you are, the less elitist liberal “knowledge” you’ll have, making you a better American patriot!
#3. I was under the impression that universal healthcare would work here since it’s worked in every other super-wealthy nation its been tried in.
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that just because more than two dozen other super-successful, super-wealthy countries have employed universal health care to great success that we can do it here. We just can’t. Shhh! Stop asking “Why?” Just accept it as truth, as if spoken down from high out of the lips of One True American God™: POOR PEOPLE SHOULD ONLY GET HEALTHCARE WHEN THEY CAN AFFORD IT. You know, like when Jesus asked for the blind man’s copay before giving him his sight back.
#2. For a very brief time I thought working two full-time jobs should be enough for a person.
Oh sure, Bernie’s economic vision is one where if you have a full-time job you shouldn’t live in poverty, but that’s crazy talk! We all know the only important thing in life is having a job, no matter how much it pays, which is why slavery really wasn’t that bad. After all, the slaves did have jobs, did they not? Only libtarded libtards think that businesses shouldn’t be allowed to pay their employees so poorly they can’t live, because profits aren’t more important than people.
#1. I accidentally gave a fuck about someone other than myself.
Don’t beat yourself up. A lot of Americans go through a phase where they think to themselves, “Well, I take advantage of things that were built, put in place, and paid for by people before I was born, so I should be willing to do the same, and in the mean time try to help those who need it now as well.” It’s misguided “sympathy” and “empathy” and you’re better off doing what great Americans have always done — doing everything all by yourself with the help of your handy bootstraps. Forget that no great historical figure has accomplished anything in our nation’s history all by themselves, and forget that collectivism is wholly natural and part of our species’ evolution! You know that only trough doing things all by yourself — with the help of a loan from Mom and Dad, a Pell Grant, or a small business loan backed by the federal government — can you truly call yourself a real, red-blooded, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing patriot.
Just in case you need more convincing: