Word on the street is that top-ranking officials are scrambling to figure out if a) they can replace Donald Trump at the top of their ticket and b) who they will put in his place if they can, or if he happens to drop out. Though there are millions of Republicans who voted for the alleged billionaire and confirmed moron, it made me think about who the GOP should be looking at for a pinch-Trumper. It would have to be someone that could still appeal to the kinds of people who vote for Trump while not scaring off, you know, smart people.
Here are five of the options I came up with for eleventh hour Trump replacements.
#5. A Literal Bag of Farts
If Reince Priebus really wants to pull one over on Trump supporters, he should consider eating nothing but Taco Bell for a week straight. Then, he can beef all he wants into whichever receptacle he chooses — I’d pick a burlap sack so it could approximate Trump’s ill-fitting skin. Then, he can just trot the bag of farts out onto the stage, squeeze it, and let the sounds and smells of the flatulence therein fool Trump supporters into thinking they’re hearing the genuine article. After all, just about everything Trump says is bullshit, and nothing smells like shit quite like a fart. Talk about a win-win!
#4. An Actual Klansman
I mean…why hide it anymore? David Duke has endorsed Trump. Current members of white supremacist groups have as well. Most of Trump’s popularity stems from his willingness to talk shit on Muslims and Mexicans. So if the Republicans are looking to trade him in, they probably want to go with as overt a racist as they can possibly afford, right? Otherwise, the base that Trump just fired up might stay home because they think your party’s gone back to just implying racist shit, instead of out and out saying it.
#3. An Orange With A Tangerine’s Hands
Maybe they can fool Trump supporters if they just take a normal orange and put a smaller tangerine’s hands on it. They could roll it out onto the rally and debate stage and then just play Trump stump speeches over the venue’s loud speakers. I bet that works. If old Trump stump speeches don’t work, you could try playing mashups of Gordon Gekko’s monologue from “Wall Street” and live audio recordings of rhinoceroses shitting. Same effect, really.
#2. Tronald Dump
Maybe GOP brass won’t be able to replace Trump, but perhaps they can try to fool the rest of us. Just put a different shitty hair piece on him, spray paint him a human hue, and give him the name Tronald Dump. Who knows? Maybe if you can train him to stop barking out idiocy and racism every thirty seconds you might actually convince some people Tronald is totally different from that other douche. Then again, maybe not. But when it’s getting late and you’re desperate, any port in a storm.
#1. An Iceberg The Size Of The Empire State Building
Here’s the truth, as best I can tell: Win or lose, Donald Trump is the iceberg that the S.S. GOP struck and struck hard. Even if he wins, he will have poisoned their brand so much that down ballot contests in close states will wipe out the Republican majority in the Senate, and perhaps in a cycle or two the House. If he loses, then it feels like that might finally be the nail that seals the Republicans’ coffin shut, at least in their current Nixon-Reagan iteration…and it’s too late for them to replace him and save face. What Trump has exposed is the fact that everything we’ve been saying about Republicans for the last couple decades about them being fed paranoia and dog whistle white Christian supremacy is 100% true. So if they’re going to replace Trump, they should be intellectually honest and just put a big ass fucking iceberg up there, because they’ve already struck one and have taken on too much water as it is.
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