There are less than nine short months left until Election Day, America! You better start figuring out who will get your vote. Are you a Bernie Bro? A Hillary Hawk? A Rubio Delusional Moron? Or are you a supporter of the yoogest winnah of all time, Donald J. Trump? It’s hard to tell these days which candidate you should support, so we here at Modern Liberals have started a new series to help people who can’t figure out who their ideal candidate is, starting with Yooge Winnah Numbah One, Donnie Mothafuckin’ Trump.
#1. You find yourself wondering what presidential dongs throughout history were like.
You’re a discerning voter with discerning tastes. You don’t think about issues like climate change, the economy, gender equality, or immigration. You know the only two things that matter in a president are they they have a nicely shaped and sized penis, and if they say the words “China” and “Mexico” at least every other word. Yes, there are literally hundreds of issues that we face as a country and as a species that could cause us all ruination and extinction, but people who think about those things are elitst libtarded libtards! Now, shut up, turn up Fox News, and find out just how long Donald’s dong is.
#2. You are 100% sure “Freedom of Religion” only applies to Christians
The First Amendment — whatever that bullshit is — technically says that our government doesn’t get to have a say in our personal religious matters. But who are we kidding here?! This is a Christian nation! Otherwise, why would we have put “In God We Trust’ on our coins and currency…more than 150 years after our country was founded? Sure, we were in the middle of a Cold War with a communist country so “historians” and “experts” say we did it yet another element of the psychological warfare against that political ideology we participated in. But fuck that! You and Trumpster both know Jesus spoke to James Madison directly as he was writing this, so Muslims, and all other non-Christian Christans (looking at you, Mormons) do not count and don’t get to have Freedom of Religion. Too bad, so sad.
#3. You really, actually believe “heritage, not hate” is a thing
Many Americans believe that the Confederate Flag is such a symbol of racial tension and animosity that it belongs only in a museum. But you know that’s liberal propaganda! As a Trump fan, you might be one of the 1 in 20 that wishes the Confederacy had won. Now, to those elitist members of the intelligentsia that might seem like it means a whole of Trump fanatics are racists. But you know it’s just that you have a strong love of your “heritage,” right? And you know who else agrees with you?
These Trump supporters here:
#4. You’re a moronic idiot and you don’t care how dumb we look or stupid we become
All cards on the table — you’re a bonafide fucking moron if you vote for Donald Trump, full stop. Maybe he’s just kidding around. Maybe he’s a plant. But maybe he’s not. Either way, electing this blowhard anti-intellectual trust fund baby has got to be the single dumbest thing we could do as a country. Not that electing Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio would be much smarter, but Trump is a circus we all should leave to the clowns. Imagine how the rest of the world will laugh at us when the bewigged bigot shows up at a G20 conference, hands out Trump Steaks to everyone, and then just yells “CHINA!” and “BUILD THE WALL” at everyone for thirty minutes straight…
Seriously, if you can see Donald Trump’s face on our coins and paper currency one day, you are everything that’s wrong with America, with humanity, and with the known universe. Not only should you not vote, you should not procreate and if you have, you should probably move your entire blood line to an island somewhere that you can populate through cousin sex.
What I’m trying to say is that Donald Trump is the electoral equivalent of full-blown AIDS and only the slack-jawedest of slack-jawed morons would vote for him. Hope this last one wasn’t too subtle for you.