The 4 Top Selling Items at the “9/11” Convenience Store

A look at Trump's 9/11 convenience stores.

While speaking at a campaign rally in New York, Donald J. Trump — the billionaire reality-TV celebrity/bankruptcy master — misspoke and called the deadly attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon on September 11th, 2001, “7-11” instead of “9-11.” Take a few seconds and just watch this Vine for maximum lulz.

Many people on social media outlets are having a field day over what they perceive is a slip of the tongue. But what many don’t realize is that in 2003, Trump actually started a franchise of convenience stores to compete with 7-11 and he named them after 9-11. He told the New York Daily Caller and Banter Rag at the time of the first store’s opening that he expected to see “tons of Muslims” at his new store celebrating its opening by “throwing their Slurpees in the air.”

Every single “Trump’s 9-11 Convenience Stores” has since closed and filed for bankruptcy, but as a service to you, our readers, we decided to call up Team Donald and get a list of the top selling items at the stores, and here they are now, The 4 Top Selling Items at the “9/11” Convenience Store.

#4. 14 Years of Pointless Wars –  The Candy Bar

Packed with nationalism, this candy bar really satisfies your blood thirst. Trading on your emotions with festive red, white, and blue packaging, this candy bar was put out by the good folks at Military Industrial Candy-plex. This is a candy bar you purchase at the store by just handing them either a blank check or a credit card they can keep on file. Each candy bar costs at least $3 trillion dollars, but you can offset the costs by scarificing the lives of the young on the altar of freedom, set up in every 9/11 convenience store.

#3. Haliburton Nachos w/ a Side of Guacamole and the Blood of the Innocent

Everyone loves nachos. Everyone. Don’t fucking tell us you don’t love nachos, because we’ll just call you a “liar faced liar” and throw the nachos in your face. These are special nachos, sponsored by Dick Cheney’s favorite defense contractor, Haliburton. They’re pretty standard nachos, but these come with an extra side of guacamole, and the blood of innocent Iraqi civilians, as well as U.S. soldiers who died in Iraq for no good goddamned reason at all, thanks to Cheney and his Bush Administration cohorts convincing us 9/11 and Saddam Hussein were connected.

#2. Islamaphobe Brand Hot Dogs

One the “neater” or “more quaint” side-effects of 9/11 was that it awakened a great hatred of Muslims in many Americans. Even though over time Christians and those professing to be Christians have killed many more hundreds — if not thousands — of times more Americans than Muslims did on 9/11, we musn’t let facts dictate our truth, should we? That’s why Trump made sure to start a brand of hot dogs exclusively for sale in his 9/11 stores. Islamaphobe Brand hot dogs are the same as regular hot dogs, just filled with hot, melted, irrational fear of someone because they worship the same God you do in a different way.

#1. Red, White, and Blue EVERYTHING!

If you weren’t around much in 2001, either because you weren’t born yet, you were in a medically-induced coma, or you were part of a secret mission to the outer reaches of space and time, then you probably don’t know this fact, but the rest of us do: the only reason we defeated terrorism forever and won the Iraq War so decisively without any “quagmire” situations at all was because shortly after the attacks on 9/11, we wrapped literally everything we could find in the flag. You couldn’t leave your home without passing at least 600 different variation of the Stars and Stripes. That’s why Trump’s 9/11 convenience stores carried the largest inventory of American-flagged themed merch around. Nothing says “America rules” like a red, white, and blue piece of plastic produced in China for pennies by slave labor, right?

 

 

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