Obama’s in Cuba, and you know that Republicans can’t watch a Democratic president travel abroad without coming up with all kinds of Republican Facts about the trip. Remember, Republican Facts are facts that feel true to Republicans, but to non-Republicans are probably more accurately described by their official political science term: Bullshit.
However you define them, Republican Facts are important because Republican voters use them to help figure out their ideological views. Here now are four Republican Facts about President Obama’s truly historical visit to Cuba.
#4. It cost taxpayers $486 trillion a second
Republicans hate it when President Obama travels, because it’s such a huge waste of money in their view. After all, the MENSA candidate and true American patriot Michele Bachmann famously discovered that Obama’s trip to India cost the country $200 million a day. Sure, Politifact later rated that claim false, but does that really mean it’s not true? Exactly. So that’s why it’s obvious that for Obama to take a trip to Cuba, it must cost even more money because Cuba is a communist country and they immediately seize all your capitalist money when you arrive on the island. Clearly, a rough estimate of $486 trillion a second is a bit ridiculous, though.
Obviously it’ll cost way, way more than that. Because reasons and “libtards.”
#3. All he will do is play golf with communists
If there’s one thing Republicans and Republican voters know, it’s that President Barack HUSSEIN Obama plays too much golf. He probably plays, according to Republican Math, at least 600 rounds a month. It should come then as no shock to Americans to find out their Usurper in Chief is spending so much money, basically taking a golfing holiday. And to add conspiracy of insult to conspiracy to injure, he’s probably playing with nothing but commies and secretly praying to Karl Marx on his Muslim prayer rug!
#2. He apologized to Castro for freedom and capitalism
Everyone in America remembers the apology tour that Obama went on when he was sworn into office right? You should remember it. Mitt Romney said it over and over and over again in 2012’s election season. And sure, independent fact checkers roasted Republicans for repeating the trope, but what does that mean other than in non-Republican reality people are dumb sheeple? It almost goes without saying that Obama would pull Fidel aside and whisper, “I’m so, so, sorry Comrade Castro,” into his ear. But we’ll say it anyway. Obama totally apologized to Castro for all our freedoms and capitalism, and we have no evidence to back that up, but Republican conspiracies need evidence like gold fish need cement mix in their bowls.
#1. Obama will bury the incriminating Benghazi evidence against Hillary Clinton in Castro’s backyard
No batch of Republican Facts would be complete without a healthy dose of Benghazi. We all know that Hillary lied and people died, of course, but did you know that Obama wanted to go to Cuba just so he could help her dispose of evidence? We don’t know what that evidence is, or if it technically “exists,” but we’re sure it does because “liberty” and “Constitution.” So it just stands to reason that part of Obama’s secret Kenyan-Muslim-Sharia-Socialist-Commie mission is to bury the evidence that could send Hillary to prison forever and ever in Castro’s backyard.