4 Reasons Every Woman Should Want Marco Rubio as Their Next President

If you're a woman, we've got five reasons you should vote for Marco Rubio.

Okay, so maybe Marco Rubio has some arcane views of sexual autonomy. Maybe he acts like he was born in 1871 and not 1971. That might make women really hesitant to vote for Senator Rubio, especially because he thinks if you get pregnant after getting raped you should just grin and bear the rape baby. But we got to thinking, and we came up with four solid reasons every women should want Marco Rubio as their next president, and here they are.

#4. Controlling your own body is HARD!

Maybe Rubio’s onto something. After all, it take so much work to control your own body. You have to think of what to do, think about the consequences of doing it, and then you have to actually do it! Marco’s just trying to save you ladies from all that hard work. Wouldn’t you rather just sit back and be a baby incubator? It’s so much easier than thinking and stuff.

#3. Think of all the shopping you could do instead!

All the time you spend thinking about your own life, and when you’d like to have children is time you could be doing what we all know women love to do most — shop til you drop! If not having reproductive autonomy bothers you so much, just go get some retail therapy girl! Sure, you’ll just have tons of credit card debt and still won’t be able to control your own vagina, but just think of all the shopping you will have done, woman! Everything is a trade off, and you’d know that if you weren’t sidled with a girl brain.

#2. Because a man said so, silly!

What’s up with you, modern woman? Why are you so uptight about taking your natural, God-given place in life by your man’s side? Why do you fight what the almighty above has ordained to be true — that men were put here on Earth to control everything about life here, including yours! At least, this is all what Marco, as a good, clean, upstanding Catholic believes. He belongs to one of th religions that in 2016 still thinks women shouldn’t have a place as priests. So yeah, just shut up and do as your told, lady!

#1. You don’t want your baby aborted, you want him killed on the battlefield, like a GOOD American Patriot

Marco is one of those cool Republicans that’s “pro-life” but not pro-quality of life. He’s also not very pro-life if it means keeping people alive and not killed in a war of choice. Senator Rubio has tried to distinguish himself from the field by talking the toughest on terrorism, war, and national defense. So he’ll definitely keep your baby safe while it’s gestating, but you better believe when that kid’s born, there’s a better than average chance Rubio or someone like him will do their best to sign him up for the armed forces. Because nothing says “the sanctity of life” like bombing the living shit out of people, right? Right.

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