Donald J. Trump proved to the world just how down with the ladies’ causes he is when he said that women who get an abortion after the procedure is outlawed again should be “punished.” It’s the kind of language that right-wingers my desperately wish they could use, but don’t for fear of rightly being labeled insensitive and cruel. Even though Trump walked back those statements as quickly as he could, it got me to thinking just what would a punishment for an abortion be in Donald Trump’s America, and here are the three ideas I came up with.
#3. Sitting next to Donald Trump
There is literally no punishment on Earth conceivable that could match the sheer viciousness of being forced to sit next to Donald Trump. Scientists say that sitting next to The Donald for more than five minutes exposes you to more cancer risk than smoking fourteen packs of cigarettes an hour for six decades. It’s rumored that one woman sat next to Trump for just three minutes and spontaneously burst into flames. One gentleman reported after taking a seat next to Trump at a Knicks game his legs fell off the next day.
Okay, so maybe none of that happened, but seriously, subjecting a woman to sitting next to Trump really would be a horrid punishment to exact on her.
#2. Sharing oxygen with Donald Trump
The thing is, if you sit down next to Trump, you may still be able to wear an underwater breathing apparatus that would spare you having to breathe the same putrid air he does. So if you really wanted to ratchet up the pain, you’d force a woman who just got an illegal abortion — maybe because she was raped by a family member or a stranger — to not only be near Trump, but to take deep inhalations of oxygen near him. I imagine that would have be something like going down into a sewage treatment plant, but with you know, more shit and piss in the air.
#1. Sleeping with Donald Trump
If being in the same room and sharing oxygen with Donald doesn’t seem like a harsh enough punishment for a women who had the sheer audacity to control her own vagina and uterus, then there is mother of all Trump-related punishments — letting Donald brand you as a Trump lady. I have a feeling that every time Donald’s gotten a divorce, the poor woman whose sad lot in life it was to accept his disgusting man meat and deficient seed threw a party that would make Cinderella lose her other slipper. So if you really want to punish someone President Donnie, just force them to get into the sack with you.