Well, Eclipse Day has come. A swath of North America from Oregon down through the Carolinas were plunged into temporary daytime darkness as the moon rudely edged its way between Earth and the Sun. Someone should really have a talk with the moon about its manners. Obviously no one ever told it, “You make a better door than a window.” But I digress.
A lot of Americans stopped what they were doing and, if they were lucky enough to live in the path of “totality,” observed this very rare time of cosmic alignment. Others watched various feeds from solar telescopes and NASA of the eclipse. But one man knew that he just just couldn’t take a break from his highly important work long enough to watch the eclipse. President Donald Trump was too busy being all presidenty and shit to pay attention to some dumb thing in the sky.
But what was Trump doing the eclipse? We can’t know for sure, but I’ve come up with what I think are the best three guesses in the history of the world. Or at least the best three guesses that helped me wring another a couple hundred words out of this motherfucker.
Wait. What? Anyway…
3 Things Donald Trump Did During the Eclipse
#3. Told His Staff a Hilarious Story About the Time He Tried to Grab the Moon By The Pussy
Trump probably doesn’t even know what an eclipse is. But when he was told what it was — the moon passing between the sun and our planet and casting a shadow — it reminded him of when he was teaching astronomy courses at Trump University and giving a lesson on the moon. He told his staff he showed his students his favorite pussy grabbing technique, and used it on the moon. Don’t worry though, it was just locker room astronomy.
#2. Listened to His EPA Head Tell Him How Stupid and Lame Science Is Anyway
I often wonder if on day’s like today, or on Earth Day, what exactly EPA Chief Scott Pruitt does. Hell, I wonder what any science-denying member of Trump’s administration — so you know, all of them — do on days like today. When you think the planet is only 6,000 years old and not at all impacted by the pollution humans cause, can you really be all, “YAY SCIENCE!”? Of course you can’t. So I’m sure Pruitt and Trump sat in the Oval Office, watching Fox News, and remarking about how dumb science is in the first place.
#1. Cried His Eyes Out, Sad That He Was For a Brief Moment Not The One Blocking All The Light in America
Unless you count yourself among the 35% of Gallup’s respondents that give Trump a positive job approval rating, things have been getting progressively darker for you since about January 20th of this year, I’m guessing. We already know that the world revolves around President Trump, in his mind anyway, so it must have been absolutely heart breaking for him to learn that someone else besides him would be darkening the continent for a time. Then again, given his birtherism and the number of white supremacists in his base, maybe Trump would prefer that there be no extra blackness in the country and he hates the eclipse for that reason? Who knows.
Fuck Donald Trump, is all I’m saying, really.