Everyone’s talking about “alternative facts” these days, aren’t they? We didn’t want to be left out here at Modern Liberals. So we took some time and reached out to the new Donald Trump presidential administration. We asked them for some all-new, fresh alternative facts they believe in.
Here’s what they sent us.
#10. There Was No Holocaust
This one’s all Steve Bannon’s. As a leading voice in the alt-right movement, Bannon’s Breitbart News publication regularly publishes antisemitic rhetoric. They do this of course because they know the alternate fact that the Holocaust never happened and Hitler was just understandably stand-offish with Jews is all. See? They’re not “Holocaust Deniers,” they’re just Holocaust Alternate-Fact Believers!
#9. The Titanic Sailed Across The Atlantic For 50 Years Without Incident
Maybe you believe the lamestream media reports from over a hundred years ago, but the Trump team doesn’t. Just because there’s verifiable historical record of the ship sinking, and just because the actual ship’s wreckage has been found and photographed many times, does that really mean the ship sank like the libtarded press wants you to believe?
#8. A Fifth of Bourbon a Day Keeps The Doctor Away
Liberal elitist intelligentsia scum will tell you that healthy foods like fruits and vegetables will keep your body nourished and stave off infection and disease. But Trump and his staff know that’s just hogwash. The only way to keep your body in peak physical shape is to drink at least 750ml of bourbon every single day. Your liver runs on alcohol, you know. It’s like gasoline in a beautiful, patriotic American made combustion engine.
#7. You Can Repair Any Broken Power Outlet With A Wet Sponge
What, you went to government-run public schools and learned that water is a good conductor of electricity? Liberals just don’t get it. It’s not the job of any goddamned government to tell you how to do repairs on your own home. Property rights are supreme. So you know what? Use a sponge to fix an outlet. Store your used cooking grease next to your meth torch, Clem! Who gives a fuck? The power has been given back to you, by our benevolent, bewigged King on High.
#6. If You Really Want A Good Detox, Try Bleach
Look, so-called “doctors” are really nothing more than highly-paid government schooled nerds. There is no reason that we even need to have state board exams since that just serves as a barrier into the medical care market. We need to make it easier for people to practice medicine, not harder. And one of the most well-hidden secretes that these alleged professionals keep from us is that the best way to detox your body is with a product we already know kills germs — bleach.
#5. The Constitution Was Originally Drafted On A Cocktail Napkin By Keith Richards And John Lennon
In 1965, the world was a very different place. And that’s when two icons of rock and roll got together late one night in a “pub” as they say in Jolly Old English Land to write one of the most seminal and important tunes of all time — The Constitution of the United States of America. Though the Beatles’ Keith Richards and the Rolling Stones’ John Lennon only got to play the song once together, it sparked a revolution and soon America was born!
#4. Donald Trump’s Hands Are So Large He Can’t Ever Wear Gloves
Don’t listen to the lies and propaganda. Not only are President Trump’s hands normal sized, they’re oversized. His hands are so large, in fact, that he hasn’t been able to wear a single glove or mitten in 50 years. There simply is not enough material in the world to create gloves large enough for him. Trust us.
#3. Kellyanne Conway Is Not A Soulless Cyborg Running An AI Algorithm
Sure, on the outside, it looks like the president’s top counsel is pretty much a cyborg. She has cold, lifeless eyes that just stare blankly as she lies and lies and lies. Sorry as she gives alternative truth after alternative truth after alternative truth. But really, we promise, we swear to God, she is not some human-robot hybrid who has no moral compunction against lying for the president through her teeth.
#2. Racism In America Is Not Only Over, It Was Never A Thing To Begin With
Conservatives know that no matter what people of color experience in their lives, it’s not racism. It may feel like racism. It might look like racism, but it’s not. Some conservatives might mistakenly believe that racism is over, but the alternative truth of it all is that racism in America never really existed. Slavery’s not racist; it’s good business. Jim Crow wasn’t racist, it was just states rights. Racism never happened, and was just a liberal conspiracy theory, like climate change, gun violence, and gravity.
#1. 28.3 Billion People Voted For Donald Trump
There has been way too much talk lately about the election. But let’s just discuss it one more time, shall we? It’s fake news if you hear that Trump lost the popular vote. That is just absolute poppycock. Using special Trump-approved mathematical metrics, it turns out that well over 28 billion voted for Donald Trump last November.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
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